Whitegrass, Silver linings and Goodbyes

It's been a while since I wrote here.
Life has been good to me, there has been so much positivity in 2022 - life changing I would say.

I met Cyril mid-January and things have never been the same then.
Yesterday we celebrated our milestones and birthday in Whitegrass, and hands down, the food was so so so delicious. The interiors by Takenouchi Webb were intricate, and it redefined the fine dining experience that I usually had. The first thing I noticed is the sense of smell being activated when each dish was served - I wonder how they do it, really! We were both very well taken care of by the GM, Wendy Lim.

At the end of the dinner, we took a bus back to The Sultan hotel.
And Cyril surprised me with a gift - a Japanese Book for Busy People - I'm supposed to master Hiragana by this week before travelling to Thailand and was surprised to receive such a thoughtful gift. I then laid down at the bed, resting for a while before taking a shower, and to my surprised again - he asked me to open the safe? for a second gift?! what? HAHA. I joked "It's not a cockroach, isn't it?"

He keyed in a four-digit password and I opened it. He bought me an iPad, whattttttt?!
I briefly mentioned that I would be getting one after returning my work iPad, so as to be able to continue sketching, learning to write Japanese etc. And here it is. I hugged him and started crying in his embrace?

I couldn't control my tears of joy, this feeling - it felt so familiar. I first felt it feeling my mom's affection - so fierce. For the first time, I felt that I am the luckiest girl on earth - dating and finding the right person is so so difficult, how and why on earth is he so sure of me? (I was talking to 8 guys at the time, french mostly - because Malan said that French are amazing lovers and I was so intrigued by Emily in Paris 2, they are open and honest, but most are looking for summer flings and casual relationships. The only person that I still kept in touch is Aufelien. I said no to the rest)

A westerner, someone completely different inside out. Someone emotionally, financially stable and mature. Isn't that what I wished for so badly? My prayers at the Erawan Shrine two years ago have been answered, similar to my wish on the Daruma Doll I bought - it is going to have a second eye soon.

I worked so so so hard for this, but got lost in the midst of my search, almost gave up but persisted in a shitty dating pool. When it happened it is effortless - just like what Cyril told me "sometimes you don't need options, you just need that one right person/one company to say yes to you". He told me dating is hard, and he didn't get many matches on Tinder. And that he is a complicated person, a perfectionist but I somewhat fit in the criteria he is looking for. Really?!

In the morning, the last few minutes before he entered the Departure Gate.
We went to watch the planes on the tarmac. Quietly we sat, held hands.
In front of us was the sun rising, putting a show over clouds.
And there was a specific one with a silver lining - something that I have never witness before. And it was beautiful.

"Wait for me" I said.
"I will see you in France in August, and then join you in Tokyo on October."

Fear

Forwarding me instagram posts.
Liked my strava posts.

All these are all too familiar, isn't it?
It's a way how a guy tests his waters.
Just like how Syafiq called me just to see if I'd pick up.
And Alexey liking my post on The Only Way is... Singapore.

Not because they genuinely care. But because they see you as an option.

I had a dreamt of Dima holding me tightly, seated on a communal table.
There were imageries of IG stories flashing past, and one of the few including Dima breakdancing and another was with a girl (with a tiny tag that says HANNAH).

Opposite us was Fai (wtf?) warning him that the tag might be overly visible.
And asking him to just take note and becareful.

I dont know what this dream means.
But I know that with my impression of Fai "cheating".
This cannot be good.

I woke up, receiving Damien's text.
I am afraid. I am afraid that if I open up and be vulnerable.
Things would go sour, I'd be attached and feel needy all over again.

Elena

Acceptance... 

I met Elena a month later, and she told me that Dima’s seeing a Japanese girl. Well, kinda expected isn’t it, my sixth sense never fails me. 

My heart is at ease this time. Numb. What’s new? Didn’t you already know girl? :)

I’m glad that all these time I’ve taken Joshua’s advice to prioritize people who I hold close to me - Jeff, Zach, Gil, Malan. Everyday I look at them and I asked myself what in the world I have done to have deserve such wonderful people in my life? Why would I put my energy to people who doesn’t deserve it? 

My prayers are answered.   

Sunday Journalling

Waking up today, I am felt generally neutral.

Dima's hybernating these two days.
In the past it would trigger me for not hearing from him at all.

I would be worried that he was seeing somebody else, that he doesn't care, 

that he would abandon me, that he is pulling away, that I come secondary. 

I felt like this because Alexey did that to me.
It was very confusing when someone came on strong and then left you hanging afterwards.

It was inconsistent, and I craved for his attention and love. 

This time I learnt to made peace with it.
Dima is not going anywhere, Mingli.
Accept and let go. 

It has became clearer to me that I value honesty and consistency more than anything else.

29 years of my life, and I learnt that nobody would replace the love mom and dad gave me.
And the love that my brother, Jeff demonstrates.
Love comes from actions, consistency, time.
And not words.

Love comes in sacrifice.
Mom and dad worked so hard, sent me off to piano lessons, art lesson, UTAS.

All which changed my life and made me who I am today.

Although there were flaws in our upbringing, which resulted in our lack of confidence and self-advocacy. 

I have came a long way to break away from being a timid, low confidence girl. Dad has always asked us to be contented with what we have and to never compare - in a way contradicting with the idea to dream big. We were taught to follow the path they have set up for us - to study hard and get good grades - to become doctors/teachers/pharmacists/air stewardess. To do good and to never fightback when your parents are mad. Parents are always right, because they are adults. And in turn of that, growing up I often felt misunderstood and unheard. I also have problems expressing my thoughts and how I felt. 

In school, Yanglaoshi would beat us up. There was no encouragement, just fear-based learning.

Mom on the other hand, was overprotective, she protected me all she could, spoon fed me. I grew up being very dependent on her, emotionally. Often lonely. Both mom and dad were so focused on career, teaching even on weekends, that we do not spend family time together. As a result, we grew up emotionally distant, I turn my connections to friends at school.

29 years. I do not blame them.
My family isn't dysfunctional either. 
I am glad that over the years mom has learnt to let go and is very receptive to learning.

Both my parents are very supportive, and I know that they love me (as best as they know).

I have also came to learn that, I have been rough to Jeff.
And I explained to him that at the time in Tassie, I was often angry and agitated.
Because I thought that is the only way of getting my point across. 
Over the years we have learnt to communicate better.
And without Mason, things are easier for us.

We bond better, and understand each other better.

He is there, always, for me. And he never judge me.

Not even when I do not come home, not even when I did the silliest mistakes.

I realized that, if there is someday I meet the love of my life, this is the quality that should not be compromised. Patience.

Then comes my best friend, Zach. Who I have known for 11 years.
Malan, who I have known less than a year. And Gil.

These people has supported me throughout the most difficult time of my life.
They are always present. And always there when I need them.
I realized that, this is truly what I need.

Quality time. Unconditional love.
And it takes time, it takes time to get to know someone.
And to grow with them. 

Love is not just about sex physical outlooks, education, financial abilities, compatibility and chemistry.
Love is so much more. I see two sides of things now, and I realize that there are so much more that I do not know and have yet to explore. 

I know for sure that I appreciate honesty, sense of humor, consistency, company, a growth mindset and that person being a source of inspiration to bring the best version out of me.

What would it be the next steps for me?
Career wise. Relationship wise.

Checking in :)

Lots has happened since I last checked in.

I got a new job!
Was super busy. But the first few months, I felt empowered to make my own decisions.
I feel seen and my voice is heard. Never once in my life I spoke with such confidence. 

It is a step up, a 20% increase in my paycheck.
But (there's always a but), I got impatient, felt that I deserved better and wanted the best of both worlds.

I miss my colleagues in Miaja. Something about the warmth that I really miss.
Ruth is right, Isabelle is indeed a breath of fresh air at times.
She is fun, inspiring, charming.

Toxic as it is, I'd admit that unlike my current employers - which I failed to get my inspirations from.. 
There will never be another boss like Isabelle Miaja.

Dating wise. It is frustrating than ever. 

I dated a few more European guys. These experiences taught me a lot, I realized more than ever that I must put myself first, love myself first before anyone else (because nobody else would except my closest friends and family). I realized that relationships can't be forced, and to really really go with no expectations at all. When boundaries are violated, say no. Prioritize.

Strangely, it is at times like this, when 70% of my focus is on work.
I reconnected with Dima. Our relationship is more confusing than ever.

He would call me and share his day. But rarely initiate to meet.
Even if we do, he would pushed me away at the end of the day like Alexey does.

I also see another side of him (perhaps because he's on the spectrum) that made him very beautiful.
He plays the piano for me and held me just like Alexey does. Gentle. Emotionally connected.
It made me questioned my thinking and the more I do the more attached I got to him.
I do not know if he feels the same.

Eventually we stopped talking again. Third time now.
This on and off scenario kinda puts me off (it reminds me of my old toxic college relationships - but without arguments, without knowing what went wrong). I was triggered in all ways. Scared.
And I looked for Joshua on a late night in HEI.

About a month later, we reconnected after bumping into each other at Tanjong Pagar MRT station.
As usual, Dima would ask me if I'd like to grab coffee. I said turned down his offer - knowing what it would potentially lead to. And it would make me upset. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it on the cruise though - whether or not to cut this person off my life. Somehow I just couldn't, because he's so different. And it's definitely not because that I am addicted to him or couldn't live without him. Part of me hopes that things would work out with him; the other half (the rationale mind) told myself to stop daydreaming. 

I care for Dima, but he sometimes doesn't get me. And couldn't handle my emotional needs.
He needs to be free and couldn't tied down. That itself is enough to trigger me as it means that he wouldn't be available for me when I need company. Call it selfish - it's just who he is and I have to accept him for who he is. 

Would it be better off to cut him off? Or would it be better to keep him in my life.
Staring at  the blue ocean, I came to realize actually felt happier with him around.
It is challenging, but perhaps I shouldn't overstep my boundaries.

It is an opportunity for me to give it another go, and love him in a different way.
Without fear, without expectations. And at the same time, put myself above everything.
Can  I do it? I don't know. But once that decision was made, I felt librated.

I have finally found a solution for myself.
Because I know that he could hold me like no one else does.

He would listen to me in the form of phone calls. He's genuine. 
The only thing he couldn't do - is committing himself to me.

Bylat

I promise I will not disturb you, I will make you breakfast, drop you off to work and then go to my office. 

I want you to be my girlfriend 

Great! More lies from another Russian guy. 😂

Прощай пахомов

"Name ten things that you can't live without."

"You, definitely you."

That's alright, I love the way you lie.

Ciao Italia

This is an overdue update after the Circuit Breaker.
I have been wanting to try dating after separation; after all, I am free - I can do whatever I want.
But freedom also comes fear; and triggers for my trauma.

I pushed my boundaries. Met new people. Learnt new things.
The more I do so, the more empty and lonely I felt. 

Is it really that what I want?
Could I handle being with an extroverted open-minded caucasian guy? 

I thankgod for Joshua's guidance for if not I would then again trap myself in a relationship that potentially would hurt myself. Dear Dario, why you do this to me? Why did you love bomb me? And then Joant, Fernando, Mathieu.

Mason's words rang in my ear - in loops. All the negativity, all the "am I not good enough?" "or are these, just blessing in disguise?"


They say the best is yet to come.
Perhaps, this is "training"? Perhaps.

And perhaps, I should just fk it and join Armada.

First Quarter of 2020

2019 was a roller coaster.
2020 a new beginning. Not. Hello Coronavirus Pandemic.

It's close to a week since the Circuit Breaker was implemented, and to be honest - it's driving me nuts. I was never an outdoor person at a young age; only after living abroad and away with my parents, I realized my longing to be in touch with Mother Nature (and why dad hates shopping malls and cities so much). Young Mingli before 22 loved wandering aimlessly in shopping malls, loved the vibrant lights in Kuala Lumpur, loved every designer brands. The Mingli now loves being under the sun, rustic living, simplicity and nomadic lifestyle. Viva la Vida.

Looking back I have come so far.
And time has proven that it is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I am grateful that all unfortunate events opened my eyes and brought me to a brand new level.
And instead of being ashamed and embarrassed about what that happened, I am now able to embrace life in search of who I am. The people around me, whom I am so afraid of seeing their expressions after telling them what happened - turned out to be the most supportive. Surprised and shocked, still - but a sense of calm restored within me and gave me a peace of mind that I do not have to lie anymore. I have not told any relatives about this yet, but when the time comes I would. After all, who would want to live in a lie their whole lives?

I will never again tolerate and give in to what I do not wish to do.
And I will never again act against my sixth sense.

Thank god that my prayers I have been answered.
I got a new job as an FF&E designer at Miaja Design Group.
Of course, there are some serious financial problems faced by the company.
But its a good start, and a stepping stone for me.

HVRA been closed down end February too.
I definitely would miss all the horses over there which I have bonded with.
Especially riding with Papabear and late Legend; cuddly Luna who is now in Kota Tinggi and patient Mario who has now been retired at Cameron Highlands' Spelling Station. I'd say that throughout my riding days, the only horses that I'd trust will all my heart jumping and cantering with are Legend and Papabear. Papabear is a very forward horse, full of energy but felt quite light to ride on - unlike Havana, a mare who has way too much energy in her. And if I were to own a horse, deep down I know he would be the one.

I completed my O'Levels and First Aids Course in MEM.
And hopefully in future, if there is sufficient time I am able to take my Introductory Course as well.
Time spent in MEM was probably the most precious throughout my experience with horses.
The coaches were very patient with us, and I made a bunch of new friends all across Malaysia - Sal who took me for lunch every day. Farah, my dorm mate who make sure I was well taken care of. Dato' and Husref who answered my questions attentively (and even passed me Edric and Dr. Naoko's number), even fetched me to the Putrajaya ERL so that I could catch the plane on time. Temenggong (the royalties) were very generous as well, buying us ice cream, nasi lemak and laksa. And both the horses that Saiful and I have been taking care of: Anugerah and Birralee are very sweet to me.

Everyone who attended the course has so much passion for horses, and not only that, they are all welcoming and kind (despite our differences).

I also met Coach Faidz, who then, well - show his true colours to me later on after I left MEM.
Tbh, I was rather angry at him for Sharayu Pilai's fall. Which could be prevented and avoided.
Birralee galloped at full speed for two full rounds and she fell on her face.
And guess what, he told her to get on after a concussion.
He must be crazy!

Shaza wasn't being a tad bit helpful as well.
I ran to the office for water, for ice and for first aids kit (as a guest! what the hell)
And although they help lighten the mood, deep inside I know this is something serious and not to be messed up with. Seriously man, where da safety measures?! That night, I ordered DahMakan because I sensed something wrong with Faidz. Sixth sense told me it's just not right. I was given an extra lasagna by the Dah Makan driver and I was so grateful for the food he blessed me with.

While I was staying at #stableatas, I fell in love with sweet boy Nazir who love cuddles.
He was probably 17 hands tall but has a gentle soul. Every night I would steal Maverick's food and feed it to him. HAHA. And then there's Red, a mustang who's the grumpiest in MEM. He loves biting, a lot. But with a carrot in my mouth he'd let me groom him and pick his food. During my trail trekking uphill and downhill with Faidz he was not only brave but bombproof. Poor Clara spooks at almost everything! I met Reza on my last day at #stableatas, he helped me tack up Red. We also had a little chat after my trail - while I was showering Red. I got to groom Nazir as well, but as I was leading him back to his stall. He was overly excited and slipped! I'm so sorry Nazir boy :(
But instead of spooking and panicking, he was really brave - got up and walked back slowly into his stall.

Reza talked to me about the competitions he participated, the rules and Prep A B C D.
It's only RM70 for competition fees, and RM60 for leasing a horse!
Each contestant is allowed to participate in 3 competitions a day.
He also told me that Jindary is a professional and I should have lessons with her next time :)
For trails, it's best to go on weekends with Overa to the kebunnnnnnn.

I have always believed that horses bring people together, and it is so damn true :)
_______________________________________________________________________________

After returning to Singapore, I took at Gallop Stable - with Maria and Gaylin.
And hopefully, if all goes well - I am able to lease a horse (and find someone to share with!)
They are way too strict at the stable. Card Access? Seriously?!

Aside from that, things have been going well for me.
Wanyi introduced me to Lionel, her former colleague who is now an AIA Agent.
I signed up for investment and also a critical illness plan from AIA.

The book I have been reading - 48 Laws of Power has been helping me a lot on studying personalities traits of the people around me, and who I should be aware of.

I would also like to list down a few lucky incidents that have happened to me before I put a full stop to this post:-

1) $100 Airbnb Voucher for being a Superhost!
2) $8 Grab Voucher from a stranger whom I've given my earpiece to
3) Chia Seed from my former colleague, Rowling
4) My landlord that cooks and took good care of my tummy during the Circuit Breaker
5) My colleagues, Sev, Ruth and Larry who always that share food with me
6) Brand New Gap Attire giveaway for just $2
7) Spotted an Eames Chair replica from the dumpster, cleaned and sold it for $25
8) Blessing from a lady - Wood Grain Sticker for tabletops (XY and I do not have to get new tops!)
9) HPB $12 Redmart Voucher
10) While login into LHDN website, I realized that my status had been restored to "Bujang" instead of "Janda" or "Balu". Praise God for this. I assume JPN has done their job.
11) And lastly, still being employed through the Covid-19 Pandemic, and being able to WFH with Miaja Design Group instead of being dismissed (like those from the account dept. and MM)

Gone like the wind...

Movie
Head on mine
I have no idea why you are so insecure having a Chinese girl walk by your side
It was a horrible movie - Lion King
I felt guilty as you were sleepy and driving back to sleep.

We met at a bar sipping non alcoholic drinks
You held my hand
Your pointy nose brushed against mine.
We had nothing to do. I held your hand as we left the bar.

You took off your top as the lights went off.
And then your pants.

Slowly you had your lips pressed on mine. I taught you how to kiss.
I don’t think I ever enjoyed kissing someone as passionate as I do to you.
I like your hair and the way you cuddle me to sleep.
We fell asleep.
You begged me for 30 mins more.

I told you that I wasn’t ready.

We had sex.
It wasn’t great, but I secretly wanted more.
Your stamina sucks and I felt nothing at all.
You had migraine. Woke me up twice in the middle of the night.
My heart sank when you told me this is going to lead to nowhere.
We will not be in a relationship or get married.
So what are we?

One night stand? FWB? No strings attached.
I hated those terms because I love you as who I thought you are
And only then I realized that you do not want any sort of commitment.
I told you I couldn’t do this long term - I’ll get emotionally attached.
You told me I am the first girl you ever slept with.
(Of course lah, where else would you go?)

Shower together.
We had Dolly Dim Sum and chose hair tonic in Watson’s.
I think that’s the best moments we actually had - in the day.
And I thought you’d not be contacting me after. You’d run.
But you ended up calling me. Told me that you’d be coming to Penang
That you wanna marry me blablabla. I wasn’t that dumb to take all this in.
I was fucking scared at the idea of wearing a hijab going to the mosque to pray five times.
I’ve always remembered what the Egyptian told me - You will want to convert.
You told me you made up your mind. I think you’re crazy to just have decided on just 15 mins.

The next few conversations revolve around sex and marriage.
It was horrible. We ended up with no answers.
You asked me how many kids I want
And started picturing nonsensical images.

Ghosting me a few days later.
But texted me that Koko died.
Weirdly I don’t feel sad that she died; I felt it’s karma.
I love all horses the same and I think it’s just nature taking it’s toll.
Sure, I’ll miss Koko but somehow this relates to Bagheera’s death and I felt that it has something to do with your god. I don’t know. And it’s scary.

It’s all very confusing at first to be honest.
But now I am sure that what’s an asshole, a ghoster, a jerk, a player, a pussy hunter.
That’s you.

Took me fucking 4 months to realize.
I am angry but I felt that I deserved better.
No regrets having sex tho.

The angel in you have left.
And now it’s best that we become strangers again.

Koko

I looked into her big brown eyes
and gently rubbed her face as my eyes shed streams.

She noticed, squinted her eyes but did not bite.

We stood like this for a good few minutes in silence.

No words needed. No questions asked.
She pinned her ears as I rubbed her muzzle, lifted them back up, smiled and pretended to bite.

It's a comforting feeling as if she's telling me:

"It is okay to miss him silently.
 I do too. And it's okay. Your secrets are safe with me."

Memory Erasure

I have always loved the views of Capers, the view of Kuala Lumpur's cityscape.

It was yesterday, as I was travelling from KLIA to KL Sentral that I have decided to blog again.

As I grew older, I noticed that blogging is a form to jot down my emotions.

Mostly the ones that have an emotional impact on my heart.

And when I am doing this, it sets me free.

I have found my release, Akmal. Not going to take drugs. or drink.

What I meant being stupid is coming up with excuses just to meet again.

Susah, memang susah tak dapat jumpa lagi selepas ini.

*Rhythmic sounds of the LRT in the background*

*Eve Ai's Forever Young playing in the background*

This is my first Ramadhan.

The reasons why I am learning how to fast is to learn about patience and acceptance.

But the main reason is also that I wanted to remember this beautiful bond for life.

Although it only lasted for a short while.

I am sorry I tried too hard at times. You always let me decide.

Now that I looked back, I took so much effort to make things happen.

I cared too much because I am too afraid to lose the bond.

Gengammanku terlalu kuat, it's probably the choking kind.

It's addictive.

It's taking a toll on my mental wellbeing.

Somehow after helping me get better, the effects reversed.

_____________________________________________________________________________

- September 2017 - 

I was showering Apple after my riding lesson at HVRA's shower bay.

"Lebatnya bulu kuda ni", I thought. Her coat's 2 inches long.

No wonder Naim stayed up all night to do the clipping.

As I was done soaping her body, her hoofs are all muddy.

I bent down and brushed them off with my bare hands as I couldn't find a hoof pick.

Not too far away from the bay, this groomer has seen it all and was smirking.

It was his first week in HVRA. He laughed, handed me a hoof pick.

And taught me how to lift Apple's hooves.

"What's your name?" I asked.
"Syafiq, this is my first week in Horse Valley" He answered.

He said he used to work in Riders Lodge and is on a short break.

His was wearing a black polo tee with two bright red stripes on each shoulder.

On his right sleeve, it says "Malaysian Institute of Aviation Technology"

"Is this what you were studying? Aerospace-related stuff?"

"Yes, been trying to secure a job for a while now. It's been almost a year."

"When did you start riding?" he asked.

"March, all along over here in Horse Valley"

"Oh, I started in January."
"Could you canter? I'm still trying, haha"

"Yes. Now I'm learning how to jump. I had a really bad fall last week."

I stopped riding at Horse Valley close to a month after. 

I visited Cambodia and Hatyai, attended two weddings back home. Yuwen's and Aileen's.

Not much thought was given as I am always a nobody in the stables, aku pendiam.

But despite all the odds, you greeted me like a friend. 

I felt seen and opened up despite our differences.

You shared stories - of your family, interviews and job hunt, of horses, of marriage (arranged), of religion and cultural differences. I came to know that you are of mixed parentage - that your mom is a Singaporean Malay; that she drives to work every morning at 5am. and your dad, an Indian (that probably does not look like one). I came to know a little more about Horse Valley - that Chuan, Rasywan and Zahari are the stable bosses. That aside from Horse Valley, UTM and Riders Lodge tak begitu best untuk riding. And that I have chosen the right stable. That Izyan's Bagheera is owned by some sugar daddy uncle. That Xiu leases Hizum and Higirl. Kevin's feet. That Aly does not pay for Storm's medical fee - and he has a horrible skin condition (He still does now. Storm looks awful as compared to what I could remember), and that Storm kicks you in the chest. That Tushaani wanted to get a new horse from STC. And that Pikar gets 2k commission from the horses he managed to sell, and it is always better to get it from Rasywan. 

I always enjoyed listening to the stories you told me.

Although I would love to stay back and chat a little longer. Work calls.

I'd always tell you "My grab ride's here! I guess I'll see you next Thursday? "

"I have to go to work around 11am later, bye!"

It all becomes a ritual. 

I finally made a good friend at the stables.
My first true blue Johorean, bumiputra friend that I could actually talk to.

Someone, I could feel comfortable talking to and the differences come second.

Until one day, you said you are worried about not securing your dream job.

Your friends either chose to sell parts or change their career paths.

That was when I decided to step in and tried to help. 

Linked up some guys from Malindo and Airbus Singapore.

It was Chinese New Year, and I have a few airports to run about. 

Johor's, Penang's and Langkawi's airports. 

With your hardcopy CV in hand, I distributed them to the Engineers at the tarmac.

I have always believed that if we want something bad enough, opportunities will open up.

Both of us have always thought you would land a job Airasia as an engineer.

29/01/2018

We were both in the stables when Higirl collapsed and passed away due to Colic.

It was really sad, and her passing affects me the entire day.
I told myself that I would not come to getting myself a horse to prevent heartbreak.

06/03/2018
Felt something different after my riding lesson.
I don't know why and what it is, but I think I really like your personality.

07/03/2018
Weird questions were asked. You asked if I believe in karma.
"I takut bila tidur dengan perempuan" "What?!"

You asked me if it is wrong.
You said your friends around you encouraged you to do so despite all the odds.
Religion aside, there is no wrong or right in my culture. Especially for a guy.
Everyone makes mistakes, I said. And yes, guys have needs.

Till today I have no answers to why they were asked.
Perhaps they are red flags asking me to stay away, but I kept my mind open (as usual)
and gave second chances. I ignored my brother's advice, my best pals' advice.
Perhaps it is the stupidest thing I have ever done. Perhaps it is a test or a trap.
I was raging because I felt disrespected. Now I felt so stupid as I am typing this.

You attended a few interviews.
And was pretty down when Malindo only raised 2 questions for you during the process.
I thought you'd never get the job, rolled my eyes cos you were paranoid. Padan muka anyways.

21/03/19
Not having to see you for 2 weeks, I went to the stables as usual for morning lessons.
You were late that morning, as I was on my GRAB, I saw this black Estima speeding from nowhere to Horse Valley. The car number plate says "Putrajaya".

When I entered the stall, I nampak you pakai je slippers, muka baru bangun.
It was 7.30am, and I knew you were late.
Yus was tacking up my horse, and he asked you over.
You told me you were really angry with him.
Terbakar cos I am actually walking over to get Legend.

It was really awkward after the conversation we had, but I acted cool.
Said hi and rode with Legend and Pikar. We had a short chat after my lesson.
You said you'll be quitting next Thursday as the team will be going for an Endurance Riding retreat in Terengganu. And I thought that's it. Better get a job quickly and I won't see this guy again.

All of it went away in the afternoon.
I was in my office's toilet, pooping. And I got a text from you that you were hired by Malindo.
Your first day will be on 01/04/2019, in KLIA.
My heart was bursting with joy. Finally!

29/03/2019
I decided to keep my promise - a dinner treat to celebrate.
And despite falling off from my e-scooter over the weekend, we still went for dinner at Danga Bay.
You told me Yus' nail came off because Speedy stepped on his foot. Yikes.
It was really comfortable talking to you.

I was really disappointed when my husband was furious about the dinner thing.
But I guess it is mostly my fault for initiating this.
There were no ill-intentions. I just wanted to say goodbye.

We kept in touch after you left - through texts, calls.
You were adapting to life back in Sepang, and me on the other hand, I have marital issues.
And I was in need of someone to keep my company, to talk to.
I have, in fact, been fighting with Mason non-stop. And with my mom too over the marriage.
Talking to you calms me down. It feels so wrong, but yet so right?

14/4/2019
Makan at Saga. Strolls by the harbour and long talks by the reflective pond.
I was very quiet at first, most likely because of I rasa serba salah.
But fuck it, did it anyway. I was depressed.

Chuan knows, because you asked her.
"Are you having an affair? What are your intentions", she asked.

"Takut tak kalau suatu hari kita tidak bercakap lagi?"
and if there are mutual feelings of more than just friends.
"Kenapa Tuhan ni kejam sangat, is this a test and why us?"

I diam je. Deep down I knew the answer - but I know my grounds.
Maybe it is better to cut off connections completely at this time.
Unfollow each other on Instagram, Facebook and delete off phone numbers.
Now that I recalled, I was the one the refused to. It felt as if it's a loss at the time and it was so hard.
I thought we would never talk to each other again; I could not sleep properly, and I cried.
So yes, it is on me for not letting go. Because I felt that this is unfair.

On Monday night around 10pm after work, I received a missed call from you.
My heart raged but softened after a while. I decided to give it another go.
I believe that there is a solution out for everything, that we can be friends if we set boundaries.
I was relieved that we could still keep in touch - as long as I asked for permission.
Whatever decision, you will always leave it to me.
I was overconfident, thinking I could handle this emotionally much better than you do.

"It will get harder and harder. Especially on 24th 25th and 26th"
"Let it go ", I told you. " Embrace and live the present. There is nothing to lose."
"Okay, let's leave it in god's hands"

Little did I know this would be a huge slap on my face a month after.

Shayne Ward's "Breathless" and "No Promises"
"Jangan lupa dengan aku tau?" you said before hanging up.

28/4/19
You came back to Johor Bahru to visit your family.
It is the end of your training in PJ and day/night shifts will commence real soon.
We have always talked about going for trail rides at Riders Lodge and Benua.
And I thought that we could try Amigos since there are 15% off at the time - a week before Ramadan.

The stables look nothing like the photos on Mos' Instagram, at all.
Our horses were Bark and Jango. You called her Serena 2 because of her attitude.
Views were great, I finally get to canter for the first time in open fields.
Shame that Mos' horses weren't well taken care of, it is sad and I felt really bad.
Bark was limping and Jango had kissing spine :(

I was presented with a song during brunch - Rindu Dalam Benci and its last sentence was quite on point.

" Ku masih berbayang-bayang

Lepaskan saja usah dikenang

Tak usah melayan rindu

Kerana kita milik orang..."

I guess all along you have been dropping hints, asking me to let go.
But I was in self-deception denial, thinking that things would eventually work out.

A week later, a night before Ramadhan.
It was just too much to handle, I broke down in public while queuing up back home.
My marriage seems to be falling apart, and I felt that there is no more time and I had to do this.
I am no longer in my sound mind, sat at Starbucks sipping Java Chips and waited for time to pass.
When time's up, aku tak bisa lagi menahan diri.
Ku pelukkan je dengan erat dan kuat tanpa rasa takut dengan penilaian orang lain.
Like it is the last time (and it is); I have no regrets and it was a relieve.

Days after that was alright. Mon, Tues, Wed and Thurs - we talked.
I was surprisingly calm, and happy (and still in self-deception).

But after the weekend, and the following weeks it was peculiar.
It felt distant, like a ticking time bomb.

On Thursday I woke up feeling disgusted with myself, wanting to call off the wedding.
Aku pendam je masalah aku bila berbual dengan kamu.
Days went by, reality hits, and you were right.

"the things we do for love..." - Games of Thrones

21/5/19
Our last heart to heart talk.
I was in turbulence and tides, you listened as rivers streamed out of me.

Bukannya salahku atau salahmu, hanya saja kita tidak ditakdirkan bersama.
Mom always says "Biar sakit dulu, senang nanti."

"Saya sayang padamu, Mingli. Is it wrong to say this?"
"Every day as I pray, I pray that you'll be happy in your marriage and move on from this."
"You will be fine, and I will be too."
Semoga berbahagia di manapun kau berada.

If it's meant to be, it will be.
Jodoh tak ke mana.

22/5/19
30mins call before Iftar.
I had cucumber slices on my eyes.
We briefly talked about what we wanted to eat after berbuka.
And I had to work on the National Gallery Tender Slides; I did not manage to call that night

23/5/19
I waited, and waited.
At 1am I just wanted to give up and go to bed. Our call only lasted for 10 minutes.
I marah sebab you tak serius langsung, main-main. Izyan, Izyan.
Always Izyan and it's always about needs.

26/5/19
The feelings were overwhelming.
I had mixed feelings throughout the day. Negative thoughts.
Everything just felt as if it is a mistake. I decided to give you a call as you were driving back to Sepang at night. The reception was not good, at all. On and off, on and off.

You told me that you went to visit Koko at night and it was so dark.
The groomers went off for dinner and you had to climb the fences to open the gates.
And out of nowhere, there were 2 dogs and were afraid that it is Cookie and she will attack. lol.
Turns out its Hushy and the little one. Your plan to start riding again after Raya, most likely in Putrajaya Equestrian Park.

I told you that we might not be able to meet again, as planned.
And you seemed so relaxed (almost relieved) as I told you that it is time to cut off, completely.
"See I told you so, that it will get harder and harder on your side on the 24th, 25th and 26th"
Your predictions were right, it was so hard for me. So hard.

I was partly disappointed with you too. Memang tak serius langsung. Izyan again.
And this time, telling me that you are okay to bang her if she's okay with it.
I surrendered.

27/5/19
This is it, I thought. This is it.
I spent one whole day thinking and thinking.
Zengni gave me hugs, and for the first time, I actually wanted her hugs.
Cos it made me feel better. So much better to have someone to hold on to.
And it was so tiring, to just think! I went to bed at 10.30pm, relieved to have some me-time.
We will not meet again, I thought. This is it.

When I randomly woke up at 4am, I saw a text on my phone "I sleep first." - 11.30pm
What the hell, Syafiq. Why, when I have already made up my mind.
I did not text back.

Fast-forward a month later at KLIA, with my feelings all tidied up.
We met, for the first time after so long. No awkward silences. Just long pauses.
It was a relieve to see you, and I am always happy when I keep my promises.
I don't think you feel the same; might just want to get it done and dusted.

We shared a slice of red velvet at the Departure Hall, told each other our plans.
I told you that I will be okay, and in fact, I am not even lying.
Around 8.45pm you said that it is time to go.
I died a little inside.

Drama time.
I decided to take the KLIA Ekspress to buy time.
The ticket was RM55, damn it for another 36 minutes with you.
We sat side by side, and I just stared blankly at the tiles on the floor.
This is probably my first and last time taking the KLIA Ekspres, I thought.
No further questions, as I know that this is it. This is the last time I will ever see you again.

My train will be on the left. And yours on the right.
We will part in different ways within minutes, never to speak or see each other again.

I weakly asked, "Do you think, we would still talk again after this?"
"in short sentences, with limitations, like Selamat Hari Raya"

"You said no,
"We tried that, remember? and you know it does not work out.
I guess Selamat Hari Raya has to be like now."

"Okay, Selamat Hari Raya Syafiq"

"Chill la, Mingli. Like I said, jodoh tak ke mana. You know where to find me.
At the airport for sure, and maybe at the stables. Take care of Koko. I need to reset after this.
Maybe taking up a part time job, or a degree. Tengoklah nanti"

"Me too, we both have to."

"Don't think too much."

"No, I am not. It's not the end of the world."

"Maybe it is? The elephants are extinct, Tigers, Rhinos..."

"Can I hug you?" I asked.
"Sure, why ask? Can I hold you hand?"
I hugged him, tightly. Brushed across his hair. Kasar, checked.

"I am in Malindo's T shirt lah"
"Do you think the guy next to us is secretly listening to what we say?"
"Mana tau later he's someone that knows you"

He picked up my left hand, and uttered the same word.
"Jodoh tak ke mana, Mingli. Just let it go and be happy."
"My train is here."

I hugged him again, this time tighter than the previous one. I didn't want to let it go.

There was only 1 minute left.

"I'll try"
"What? You wanna cry?"
"No, I meant I will try"
"Cry la if it'll make you feel better. Don't hold it.
If it's meant to be it will be Mingli, we will see each other again someday"
" I know, here's what I came across yesterday. If it is meant to be, it will be effortless.

Right now, it is not and I have to let go"
"I have to go, take care Mingli"
"Okay, take care."

I sat on the bench. Rooted.
Turned my head towards the back where he alighted the train to Salak Tinggi.
And waved goodbye to him one last time.

2 mins later.
My train arrived.
I boarded the train, never felt so relieved as ever and headed to KL Sentral.
"See you when I see you, Syafiq."

I nearly paid extra when I reached KL Sentral.
Karma bites, I guess. But I managed to find my ticket in my passport holder.
My first impulse was to text him, when it was deemed unnecessary.

"I lost my ticket!"
"Habis, kena bayar lebih"
Within a minute I found it "Found it, found it!"
"Hati hati balik"
"Okay"

"Remember this"
"Jodoh tak kemana"
"Gonna miss you Mingli"

"Always"
"And I'll miss you too" - 3.56am

Like Jiaki always said, I believed too easily.
You maybe a jerk that strung me along; I maybe the jerk leading you on.
This was never meant to happen at the first place.

There's a price to pay for all that has happened.
Look at the damage we have done.

I will definitely miss you, for sure.
All the best Syafiq Akmal. May god ease everything for us.

把面具戴上吧

以后别再傻傻的
相信陌生人对你说的话；随随便便的对别人好。

为了寻找halal食物团团转，胡思乱想同情人家。
换来的是不是一声谢谢，也不是一段真心的友谊。

三十块钱买肯德基，上一堂课
你学到了什么吗？

I'm back again...

Hello, long forgotten blog...
Your a jar where I pour my feelings into.

I spent my whole day rotting on bed, binge watching Gossip Girl (better late than never!)  and for the first time I actually enjoyed it. My life recently hasn't been easy, in fact it hasn't been easy after my boss, Ewan decided to move his office to Arab St. No doubt it's located in a hip place filled with the best Mediterranean food, murals and heritage buildings. But food are expensive, each meal costs me at least 5 dollars. New colleagues came in, Zizie and Adrian, Mark Wee?

What I didn't see coming is that we'd be munching halal food nearly everyday, people coming in and out of our office and Adrian checking on my work every 3 hours. And I didn't really enjoy it.

As I type right now with unwanted noises from the streets in the background, I can't help but to wonder what and how my life would be a few years later. I can't be working for Ewan forever. He's an awesome boss, but the thought of earning 2400 dollars a month... and the thoughts of being a successful cafe owner does not seem to click at all.

Sometimes, I miss my people back in Penang. My pals, my family, my dog...
Sometimes, I wish I could just forget about my career and fly home for good...
Sometimes, I wish that life shouldn't be so difficult, at all.

It should be as simple as chilling at a deserted beach with no human footprints.
It should be as simple as chilling on top of Mt Amos overlooking the breath taking Wineglass Bay.
It should be as simple as breathing or drinking water. Why can't life just be simple?

封鎖

等你收到禮物之後，我就會從你生命中永遠消失。
每一次喜歡的人對我好，我都想對他更好。
我不懂我是心太軟還是太愚昧。

也許長這麼大了我還沒學會怎麼去看人，做人。
也許因為這樣，前任都不疼我不愛我不珍惜。
也許我的性格總是那麼孤僻奇怪不討人喜歡。
再多的也許也只就是也許。
把你徹底忘了，我就自由了。

I should be focusing more on my career instead of all these nonsense I brought back from vacation. I should be focusing more on improving my productivity and happiness instead of all these time wasting thoughts running through my mind. I hope what Zach said is true, that  "Passerbys come and go". Please go away.

晚安
再見，再也不見

Maybe I should start writing again

...

Haven't been blogging for quite a bit. It's 0531, I can't sleep. I'm the next 0530女郎，Sean's jokes bout Limjiaki not sleeping and typing essays on wechat in Mandrin. Couldn't sleep because returning back to Penang brings me memories I prolly would not want to remind me of myself. I went to PCGHS earlier on yesterday, had Goodall food for lunch, Java chips in Starbucks and Flamingo afterwards. BEACH, somewhere we high school girls loved to go so much. And before it had been named as Flamingo it was called the Paradise Beach Hotel. That's when the memories started flashing back...

I could picture myself with Yeouching and Suzhen, watching sunset together after escaping for that horrendous meetyourfriends session in gurney. It didn't worked out and you snapped on me. I remembered very clearly you forced me to TALK. Just TALK, you said. Until now I couldn't, and I don't know if it's a gift or a disadvantage.

I've been so self conscious throughout the years., so bad that I couldn't even type a proper caption without googling, so bad that I ended up copying sentences and quotes I saw online. It's been 6 years,  I've grown up and I couldn't turn back time and type like how I was typing before shit happens.

It's 2016. You've changed, and so do I.
We can never go back to 20/10/2010. It's ridiculous to have even thought about it.
But I can't help it tonight. I can't help myself with all the negativity and low self esteem.
I couldn't help but thought to myself that if I had not pushed you away 4 years back, where would I be right now? Would that make me someone else? I couldn't stop wondering since idk when. Sometimes I miss the old you. The old sharkie who loves to bite, who encourages and help me out, who sees the good in me. I need that sharkie to raise me up, right now, at this moment, as I'm so lost and don't know what's my next step. I certainly don't want to screw up and certainly doesn't want to get engage right now.

I sent you a "hey". I've so many things to say. But seriously, you know what?
The last time I told you how I actually felt, I can tell that you've thoroughly moved on.
Stewie's the one, you said. I used to say, give her 3 months, seems like it doesn't work that way. 3 years it is. 3 years...

If I could turn back time, I would.

#likeshit

I'm sitting down in the bedroom we previously slept on errrrday the month before, which is freezing whenever the weather turns cold. Don't have a word to describe what exactly feeling right now, it feels like shit alright, there's nobody that I can talk to. Well, maybe I do, but how could I make them understand when they're not here experiencing what I'm experiencing? Yes, ungrateful bitch. I seriously have no idea what am I doing right now in UTAS, seriously have no idea what I am doing here in Tasmania. It's like I'm lost, I have no idea what the lecturers are talking about in class while the rest seems to understand perfectly or even if they do not, at least they understand after it's being repeated like 2 or 3 times. Not only I lost motivation, I lost my passion. Don't know what am I doing on Earth and all I am thinking about is to end this torture by graduating. And what after that? DO I HAVE TALENT OR I DO NOT? Yesterday I cried myself to sleep thinking how Malaysia sucks and how horrible the education system is and look at the fucking currency right now. RM1 equals to 880 baht. Fuck it, MYR used to be higher than Thai Baht. What the hell happened? I miss home so much. I miss all my friends and family back there. My room. The food back there in Penang and the hot weather. I still hate the cold weather here, it turns my freaking skin dry and all sorts of black heads pop up on my face. I basically look like shit here, not having much time to actually LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I PUT ON WEIGHT, like freaking fast. I didn't even take carbs. Everyone here is so... selfish. Or say, individualistic. Friends, what's that over here? Can it be eaten? I do not even bother contacting anyone back home simply because nobody that I've known of would understand, and I hate letting people know that I am sad. The problem here is, I'm not only sad. I've plunge to my lowest, I've always had low confidence in myself and over here it is worst. It is worst and I don't know what am I doing. I tried solving problems, I tried. But I couldn't. And now I'm doing this as my last resort. BLOGGING. Spit whatever shit out that is right now inside me. If I don't perhaps I'll go insane or in need of psychological help after a feel months. I feel so out of place all the time, not happy. Just not happy here,

Bern pm me yesterday asking if I'm alright. Of course I am not.
I'm studying here using my parents' money and I'm lost not knowing what to do?
What the hell am I doing? Am I not suppose to know what steps should I take in life?
I'm 23, freaking 23. My friends could be back there in Penang, working after their degree life in a local office not pursuing anything in life. I do not want that. I have friends who have big dreams but are too afraid to achieve them, too often distracted by the on-going activities/entertainment around them, not saving money, not thinking about their future, and STILL going to Songkran Festival two days ago. I miss everyone of them so much, how warm they made me feel like I exist. Unlike here. What am I? I cannot feel my existence, I cannot feel there's a use or talent in me. I want to climb higher but now what? I felt as if I've fallen down a cliff, stuck on a tree waiting to die.

I cannot see my ability to design as a good designer. Coming to Tasmania makes me realise what Jon really meant while he was accessing my final presentation in Equator. He said, you sometimes overworked things, Mingli. You tend to photograph other people's design using your eyes and apply it on your designs. I believe you can be a good designer, if you genuinely design something from your within. I NEVER TOOK THAT SERIOUSLY. Until the day of the graduation exhibition, he approached me again, saying... The local would love this, but not me (indicating the whites). I've always struggled with conceptual ideas. What I'm struggling now is even worst. I cannot see anything ahead of me, and it's killing me inside. The guilt, the pressure, deadlines and an unsupporting boyfriend who thinks that all these is a joke and that I am not working hard enough on my work and my work is rubbish. Yes, I admit you are far better than me, way better than me, then why be with me? GO AWAY instead of pressing your finger against my wound.

I'm trying to be POSITIVE all the time, ditching all bad thoughts and the idea of crying to my mom asking her for help when I'm a kid. My parents spoilt me too much, always afraid that I might fall down and that I might hurt myself. Afraid that there is not enough funds, afraid of that, afraid of this. It makes me worry even more. Ricky have always told me that I'm an embedded diamond which is yet to be found, I might not want to believe what he said 100%, because I guess he never really meant it. But I want to shine one day, with my own achievements. But like Ricky said, with encouragements and opportunities it would help. But if all I wanted to hear is just lies to make me believe what I can do, I would rather not hear them at all.

Right now I could type a 2500 word blog post without even stopping for a moment to check if there is any spelling mistakes, or misuse of words. I've always wanted to do the best, but working hard isn't the way. Working smart is. That's what I see here. I see people with deep critical thinking, expressing ideas with confidence, plus, time efficiency. It's not like I want to be like them 100%, but I'm hoping that I could be more productive, work things faster and come out with some brilliant ideas. All these months here, I just... couldn't. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I couldn't cope with the culture, yet I don't want to go back home. I don't know what to do and it seems as if nobody could understand. Who can I talk to?

All I do is stressing up myself, crying and running away when there are problems. And when I'm done crying, I try solving the puzzle only to find that there are a few pieces missing. I cannot drag this any longer or else I'm really going to go crazy or insane someday, like imba and in need of medicinal intake to balance my emotions. I'm suffering, from the inside. Just not happy, not happy here but trying very hard to.

Coward.

"I don't know how much longer can I hold so much disappointment.

Something I have never excelled in. Something that have let me down, over and over again.

Only god knows how grateful I am with what I am showered with. 

But there's this one thing that doesn't make sense.
And that I really don't understand.

I really don't."

I am a coward.
Posting what's above in Bread and Butter, everyone can see it.
And I can't bare what damage it is going to cost me, maybe typing here is way easier.

I actually cried on my way home today.
Not because he didn't want to talk to me still.
Not because I miss him but it reminds me of what a failure I am to have the history repeat again.
Yes or no? Is it just me or what?

Something wrong with me?
I don't get it and I have been searching for answers all the time.
Or is it that he isn't the guy for me? Or what? I need someone to give me an answer.
No point typing here so fast.

My head is about to explode with all the questions inside.
Did I just get played again? Or, if he's just not that into you?
Boy, I don't know what to do. I swear, I have been trying.

I am SUCH AN IDIOT. FUCK.
I CANNOT STAND THE TORTURE.

143

Things are better with babe, so far.
At least after a month, and two weeks short of topics to talk about.
Keeping ourselves awkwardly quiet during meal times.
I almost... gave up.

But here we are.
Still best friends and lovers.
Though he popped cherry two days ago, I think. (1/7)
He was really gentle. Asked me to hug him as he was about to enter.
And it didn't hurt that bad like what I've expected.
Yes it still hurts, but bearable.

Everything just happened naturally.
Me and him.

In doubt

I saw the texts.
I froze.

It was written on 5th or 6th June.

Vexed. Annoyed. Frustrated

Couldn't blog without sleeping.
I feel disastrous since last night, because of Sean.
Not because that he did anything wrong, but I just felt as if both of us are aliens from 2 different planets.
It's been almost like 3 months now, and yeah. Shit happens after 3 months, and now..
I could TOTALLY see what person he's like.

Yik Ting's right.
It's better to KNOW someone first before GETTING TOGETHER with them.
Now I totally know why she said that to me like a million times. Because damn, she's right.

The first thing is.
OUR INTERESTS.
Talking bout interests, that includes the way we dress.
He's colourful, I'm a Black and White person.
We couldn't really accept our thinking on each other's clothing.
Like seriously. And he said that I'm an AUNTY. wtf?!

THE WAY HE TALKS
It's like so damn straight sometimes.
It offends me. Unnecessarily.
You don't tell a girl you like that she looks like a witch.
Or that her life's boring, that she has no friends, that she's dull!

INSENSITIVITY
Oh yesssss, guys are insensitive.
Absolutely, but is he dumb shit or what.
No texts for half a day? One text takes you 10 mins to reply?
And tell you he doesn't like to text?
Going vacation or deciding certain things without notifying you?
Forgetting about a movie date that you promised to go with your dream girl?
HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
I want to be that girl that my BOYFRIEND would actually be proud of showing everyone else around him.
AND HE HAS NO BALLS, LIKE TOTALLY. WE JUST ACT AS IF WE ARE STRANGERS!
AND HE'S NOT THERE WHEN I REALLY NEED HIM.
ALL HE DOES IS SLEEP. SLEEP. CONTINUE SLEEPING AFTER THAT.
DAFUQ.

KIAM SIAP-NESS
Yes, I know you're not like a rich kid.
But why is he ALWAYS acting as if I want to use his money.
I paid for Twelve Cups, I paid for all my Starbucks. Like wtf.
Why does he want to count everything so clearly in front of me and always tell me that he wants to save up.
I know right, save up. But you don't have to always mention in front of me like I want to use all of your money. Why separate the bills so clearly. WTF.


YOU DON'T FORCE A GIRL YOU LIKE TO ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO.
Which probably explains why 6/7 of his relationships failed? I guesssssss...
It doesn't work because of the above. A girl needs love and care.
Not someone who abandons her to be with his friends and fuck shit.

Okay, and the thing that I've been trying to get rid of my mind.
But I can't. I just can't.

I hate a guy who doesn't understand proper english.
You don't know what's BUFF? 24/7? Fuck off. Learn!
I still love guys who are 170cm and above. Who are not fat.
I'm not saying he's fat but still.. after all these shits, appearance matters to me again.

I don't know what to do.
I don't like him the way when I fall in love with my exes.
It feels GOD DAMN different. I feel NOTHING AT ALL.
And to make things worst right, I am desperate. I'm focusing on someone else.
It's turning me nuts because I hate smokers and drinkers, and I know it's impossible.

I just... wish there's this special someone for me to rely on after all these while.
It feels horrible to be alone sometimes. To feel lonely and alone.

Before I go to bed...

It's 4.14a.m. now.
And I'd blog something before lying on the bed.
Again, Yikting and I are triplets again, with Nick.
Our group are always within the number of 4.

Yuki, Beechin, Yikting and I.
Nickson, Yikting and I.
Nick, Yikting, Jiet and I.

Nick had been mentioning about my taohua, dinner time last night.
It happens that guys that seemed to show interest, isn't just a few.
But what I really wanted is just a good one rather than ten moderates.
Seriously, what's the point having lantaohua anyway?

10 more days.
10 more days and this is it.
365 days without you and Imma still rockin.
Goodbye Stanic Teoh, all memories deleted and erased.

Say HI to babo.

Nightmares

Another nightmare last night.
Doreen Yeap appeared in my dream, close up.
It hasn't occurred for a while until last night after viewing Stanic's Facebook Profile.
In the dream I was sitting beside mommy, in a cafe. For some reasons, I was holding to Doreen's jacket.
And there she stood, in a turquoise dinner gown, standing beside the door staring to no where.
Suddenly, she approached me and asked if I know who she is.
I acted as if I didn't, and as usual, pretended to be blur.

She did not gave up, sat beside me, and gave me that "I know that you know who am I" look.
I panicked, forgot the rest of the dream and woke up. Back in reality.

I wonder why she came back haunting me, even after so long.
She's married, or maybe, a bride to be. I don't know and do not want to know.

I'm just grateful that he left, now that I don't feel any pain at all.

Nightmare

It's 7.13pm and I have just woken up from a dream.
A nightmare, I have to say.

Probably because I read about that man-made "haunted house" in Japan right before I sleep.
They said it was so scary that nobody has ever finished the whole journey.
But anyway, what I dreamt happened outdoors.

I was dreaming about this weird place, I was having dinner at.
It is a dimmed-lit restaurant, doesn't seem like Malaysia to me.
For some reasons, I went in and out of the restaurant for a total of 5 or 6 times.
Surprisingly, the waiter did not get frustrated of me.

Suddenly, all the lights were off. It turned into a club/pub.
However, there was this huge window in front of us with strong lights shining in.
He invited me for dinner with his boss, a woman in her 40s, wicked smile.
We were served appetizers that are prepared right in front of us.
And I find it a abit funny because it has to be in Octopus shape.
(Vegetable arrangements)

And that person standing right next to me is my BFF, Yik Ting.
Once, we passed by a field full of animal bodies. The parts are shattered, blood everywhere.
There was this hand of a gorilla, ran over by trucks/cars, furless.
And a dog, stuck on the tree. Like 1 or 2 storeys high.
With its burning red paws trying to hold on to it.

It was such a nauseating scene.

And then, out of nowhere.

A Hyena appeared and came dashing towards us. 

We had to jump off an edge and hid in a drain, a deep one.

Our hands hung to support our bodies, but suddenly the drain changed into something else.

It changed into a building, where there is another person bathing and singing on the other side of the wall.

The wall we were clinging on to. And suddenly, our legs touched the ground, we were indoors.

I looked around, realized that we were in the laundry room because there are white cloths everywhere.

Then I saw daddy come in, asking for a hairdryer. To my horror, I immediately had this vision.

The hairdryer could be converted into a drill when taken off its casing.

For some reasons, daddy took it off the casing, forgot about it and started using it.

I wanted to cry because I just witness my dad killed himself in front of me.

But it was just a vision. Thank god daddy didn't die.

I woke up, shocked. Realised how bad things could happen in a split second.
Then, this thought came to me. I am 21 years old now, aging. This happens to daddy and mummy as well.

I can't imagine the day when we finally have to part in this world.

I wish, it didn't have to happen at all.

Mum and Dad.
I love you guys.

Stress

I had an awesome day-out with Sean yesterday.
He brought me to places that I wanted to go, sometimes he's such a darling.
But the guiltiness is there, I can't stop thinking about assignments.
It's pilling up, higher and higher, and I'm so worried that I couldn't finish them in time.

It's WEEK 3 already.
Why didn't I feel the PUSH yet?
Sigh

Go Mingli, GO GO GO!

Monday

Went out with Sean for dinner last night.
Dad was away, and mom doesn't wanna cook me dinner. Ugh.

We had this awesome Wan Tan Mee at Chulia Street.
Gosh, I've never liked Wan Tan Mee, but how come this one tastes so good?!

Things went pretty well, no more awkward silence/stares.
LOL, at least we have something to talk about right now, right?
He's not shy anymore, I'm no longer quiet.
Fair enough.

I think things are working out between us. As friends.
Let's see if I could make him, one of my BEST friends.

It felt great that I have stopped thinking about Stanic for a while.
I don't miss him anymore, but I still think about him sometimes.
His silhouette, his dark hair, brown eyes, angular face and smile.
Yes, maybe I miss his body but not his soul.
I hate it when someone lies to me
or want something from me.

And I'm feeling better today, now.
Going to college sounds dreadful to me.
Fakers everywhere, but still. I guess I'd just have to remain positive.
It's the last 5 months in Equator, make some friends perhaps?
Well, it's not like everyone hates me or what.

Yik Ting could be my friend.
Nick, SeongYu, Jiet and Nein, could be.
I'd just try and mingle around, like Zach says.
Maybe he's right at some point, I should do what I like and fuck the others.
And at least, stop being so EMOOOOOO and self concious.

You'll be fine, darling.
You'll be fine, don't worry.
:)

Losing my direction in life

It felt as if I don't know what to do anymore.
Here I am, sitting on my bed, typing.

I became lazy throughout the internship.
And now week one's over and I'm still in my holiday mood.
I'm sick. I don't feel like doing anything. My room is in a mess.

Visiting Novae kind of freaked me out.
And I wonder, if this career is what I've always wanted.

I have what people called the "Social Anxiety".
I have always tried to overcome this, but recently it just seem that I tried nothing at all.
I'm still that quiet Mingli, who doesn't want to approach people, who keep things to herself,
who rather express her feelings in words than talking/speaking it out.
What's happening to me, really?

Dub dub dub

You made my heartbeat again.
And I think I'm in love.

"S" or ASS?

My feelings are turning neural lately.
I'm talking about love chemistry, it's pH 7 right now.

I couldn't find time thinking about him at all.
It wasn't strange at all, I was expecting this to happen.
But why now, that familiar feeling I had, again...
I don't want to fall in love so quickly.
No! I don't wanna make a fool of myself.
Sigh.

Follow your subconcious, girl.

Carefree

Arrived early in the office this morning, Ms. Lim wasn't even here yet.

There's only two weeks left before internship ends, I have so much work to do.

Funny how I could still sit here and type crap.

I've been thinking a lot lately, browsing some of my previous blogs.

The way I write and describe things, it's way different.
I wasn't that self-conscious. Maybe I should practice that again.
No more low self-esteem, Ms. Chan. 

Brush up, yo.

The Vow

The thing is,
each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced,
with all the people we've ever known.

And its these moments that become our history.
Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.

Valentine's Day

Hi, baby.

It's Feb 14th, Happy Valentine's Day.

:)

Spent my night watching The Vow.
Remember? The movie you said you'd watched together with me.

We didn't make it though. No chance to see my tears. Boo!

Guess the seats in GSC were full back then.

Both of us went for something else instead.

Next Saturday would be the 9th month.

Being single could certainly be such torture sometimes.

Definitely, I'm not afraid to be in a long-distance relationship.

I'm more afraid of being with a man, who'd leave me for somebody else.

1. Somebody who's far better than me, in socializing? 

I kinda suck in that. Interacting and making new friends are hard to me.

I can't help it, I don't know why. Probably I'm over-self-conscious.

And this is bad.

2. Somebody who has the ability to make you happy and laugh all the time?

I made you angry whenever I'm clumsy. You never liked me like that.

And it's really sad and hurtful, because I'm trying my best to change that.

:(

3. Somebody who's pretty, sexy and would never fail to let you feel so turned on?

Well, I used to have pimples and acnes all over my face. Which, I still do now. But it's much better!

There's only scars left on my face. Bet it wouldn't be too disgusting to see.

No more frizzy hair. I've cut it short, it'd probably grow back to shoulder's length in a few months time.

I don't have huge boobies and I'm a virgin. Still.

I exercise more than I do in the past. I can do more than this.

I can learn how to dance, dress up, wear high heels, tong my hair and probably make up.

But would you still.. fall for me one more time?

Accepting that fact for who I really am?

Because... I still love you.

Everything about you.
Sigh.

Today

Haven't blogged here for quite a while.
I was busy with work, busy reading Fifty Shades Trilogy.

Busy doing anything simply to just not think about YOU, you know who you are.

 Spending time with my girls are the best times of my life.

I can like... totally be myself in front of em.

Seriously.

And they wouldn't judge me.

Sad thing is, I wish I didn't always have to be the lightbulb.

Though I'm perfectly fine and comfortable being one.

Had a real weird dream yesterday.

I dreamt of my college mates, HOW SURPRISING.

In my dream, I saw Yik Ting, Nick and Jiet. Probably.

And, we were in this elevator of EAA.

I don't remember how.

But I remembered Jiet giving me a long hug.

I don't know what that's for. It felt good though.

After all, it's been such a long time since someone hugged me like that.

And immediately, I knew it was a dream, but I didn't wanna wake up.

Yik Ting's standing beside me, shaking her head and I think she whispered something in my ear.

There was no sign of Jiaki. Jiet ignored Yik Ting completely.

I think we stayed like that for a while, I hugged him back and touch his neck. Wtf.

Then I caught him telling me something I find totally unacceptable.

Something like, "Give me another chance" sorta thing.

I shoved him aside after that.

Because deep inside I know I can't trust this guy.

And then, I just woke up. 

It was 7.35 a.m.

I know I'm probably crazy to even type this.
I have no feelings towards him anymore. It's been so long anyway.

But one thing that I didn't get it is, how come I dreamt of so much of other people around me.

Rather than the one whom I love the most? Why isn't it always you, but someone else?

I don't get it

Sigh

I didn't expect my mood to swing so much.
But you blew me off just with one Facebook Message.

"I just went to your house area."
So what, what the hell you want now?

心还是热的

I found myself waking up today morning with my arms wrapped arounfd hippo.
How unusual, lately I wake up like this almost every morning.

20. He starts to tease you more than normal

‘  This is similar to number 9, picking on your appearance. The reason he does this is the same reason you might get annoyed with a guy that kisses your ass too much. He has lost respect for you and he is picking on you to see if you will fight back. Cut to the chase, call him an asshole, and punch him in the nose. Surprisingly, you might just get him back after doing this ’

What I read last night made me tear.
25 Signs To Know For SURE He’s Not Into You!

I find myself so dumb, so foolish.
Should have known the signs rather than ignoring it.
Was too naive, too blind because I love you so much...

I'm feeling horrible now.
God knows why.

My bro smokes Marijuana?!
Wtf. I can't believe that.
He's making whatever kind of pot from a plastic water bottle.
And mom actually believes that he drink the water in it?

Omg, what am I gonna do?
I have no one to tell.
Like seriously.

KL

宝贝，明天我下来找你了。

MOIS

Stepped into the club yesterday for the first time, without you.
I was a little afraid. ( In fact, I am always scared whenever I step into Mois. )
And it felt so different. So different without you with me. WTF

I caught myself constantly staring at the tables we used to stand.
Then I told myself, I should be enjoying at this hour. Not reminiscing bullshits.
So I started drinking and dancing. Never felt so happy before.

1 a.m.
Jason brought me to the dance floor.
The other guys went as well.

We were dancing and out of a sudden, he hugged me so tight.
Like wtf, my best friend huggggged me. And for whattttt?!
I ignored him and continued dancing until I got really dizzy.
He brought me to the toilet, got my a few glasses of water and yeah..
I was okay again and he brought me to the dance floor.
Then fucking hugged me again.

I seriously wanted to push him away because the others would see.
I know, I know, we are in the club and we could actually do whatever we want.
But I didn't want it. I became so speechless I didn't even wanna look at him.
I grabbed my fist so tight and turned my head away while he whispered something into my ear.
I could not even digest what he had said to me, all I could picture was you and I started to hit him.
Yes, he's been into me for like a year or more already but... damn.
NO! I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
FUCK.

I kept telling myself.
It's okay. It's okaaaaaaaaay.
He's your best friend, and those hugs mean NOTHING.
But I gotta face it, it doesn't mean NOTHING to him. It meant SOMETHING.
And he has a fucking GIRLFRIEND at home, he shouldn't be doing this!
Like seriously.
Gosh.

All a sudden, it became so clear to me.
And I got my thoughts figured out on the dance floor.

Still can't get over you, babe.
I really love you.
A lot.

So much that my doors are closed for any other guys out there.
You made me one silly girl. So dumb and so stupid.
Happy?

Dream again.

Before I forget this dream, I'd like to jot it down. Here.
It was another weird dream I had last night.
I was on vacation with a few friends.
Couldn't remember who they are.

We were in Chengdu.
I didn't know how the hell did I even got there.
It started with us (6 person including myself) sitting at the porch of a hut.
The grass around us were dead and that was the only hut on the entire wasteland.
Out of nowhere, a fortune teller approached us and handed everyone of us a piece of paper.
He asked us to read the contents on it (which indicates our destiny).
To prove that he's not lying, he asked us to tore the paper into two.
And when I do so, 3 more pieces of paper fell out from the paper itself.
Odd, isn't it? But I was amazed.

The first was the picture of my mom, with her chinese name on it.
The second were details of where I live etc.
Couldn't remember the third one.

So... I guess the contents were true.
But how come I couldn't recall any of it?!
Dafuq.

Then here came the second scene.
I was at the balcony of our "hotel" room.
Doesn't really seem like a hotel though, it was more like a place where Aladdin stays. wtf.
It was approximately 5-6 storeys high, and beneath the "hotel" was a long stretch of market.
Somehow, my eyes was drawn to two guys opposite the building.
It was him. And his friend, Gons?!

And there they were, walking to buy breakfast for themselves.
I think I quickly turned away before they get to see me.

How did I actually come up with this dream?
It was so weird. It was just... so weird and full of imagination.
Cheng Du?! Why not Malaysia instead.
Cos I'm heading to KL in two weeks time.

Baby

Another dream last night.

I remembered I was somewhere around Fettes Park.

Couldn't remember who I was with, but it was either Vivi or Jye Lan. 

We stood by the short flight of stairs, leaning on the wall talking.
All of a sudden, this face caught my eye.

It was you. 

But you looked saggy and old.

On your head was short white hair as though you're in your 60s? Wtf.

That didn't surprise me.

All I did was standing there, dumb folded.

Your eyes made its way to where I stood as you walked pass us.

And all of a sudden, I just wanted to hide. I just wanted to run away and disappear.

Beside me was Jye Lan or Vivi's voice, asking me to not back off.

That voice was asking me to move forward and talk to you.

I didn't do it. I just can't because I'm too afraid.

I woke up not long after that.

Feeling stupid, as usual.

It's almost 6 months!

But I still miss you that much.

I've no intention to have you replaced with someone else, yet.

Then suddenly I realized how much I love you.

How I wish you're still mine.
Baby.

Sometimes, I still miss you.

I had the weirdest dream last night.
Couldn't remember every part of the dream but you were there.

You don't usually appear in my dreams, but yesterday, you did.
My family members were there as well.
Dad, and my brother Jeff.

We were back there in the house at Bukit Gambier.
And it wasn't particularly empty and dirty like how it used to be.
Sunlight shone in through the jalouise windows. And it was so yellow, so beautiful.
I guess it was evening and the sun was almost setting.

In the dream, Jeff and dad stood outside the house.
I popped my head at the door and waved to them, telling them I'm okay and asking them to leave.
And in front of the house was my car, nicely parked at the car porch like always.

Then, we were alone.
I could feel your arms around me.
And the warmth that I haven't felt for a while, the smell of you after a bath.
Deep down, I know that you shouldn't be forgiven for what you have done.
But without a doubt, I hugged you so tightly and didn't wanna let go.
I did not utter a single word and nor did I tear.

What I wanted to tell you was, for all these months...
Boy, I miss you so much.

Immediately after that, I woke up. Puzzled.
I couldn't believe what I have just dreamed, seriously.
After all, you only came into my dream twice after the breakup.
And still, I didn't know what do they actually mean.

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

It started with a whatsapp status.
Then a row of instagram pictures.
"Hi, how are you lately?" texts from you in MSN. Twice.
The second one kinda pissed me off. Sent my face into bright red.
Worst, Raymond was just beside me at that moment.
But he didn't know.

And the next thing I knew was clicking on your Facebook profile.
Well, I finally had the guts to do so before I go to bed last night.

Oh, so Doreen has this new lalazai boyfriend within a month or so.
She deleted all your pictures in Facebook and Instagram.
Deleted pictures in Phuket with the other ex in it as well.
You guys broke up, I guess.

I just don't get it.
Is it expected that things turn up this way?
If it is, seriously she could just not exist and not take you away from me.
Does she even know how much I have been through all these months?
FUCK! What a BITCH.

Then I started to worry about myself.
I've been missing you like crazy and I want you back.
Only for the feelings that nobody could offer, but you.
That's like that dumbest thing to do, ever.
Seriously, why am I so stupid?

It's been 5 fucking months and I still couldn't get you off my mind.
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?!
It's not like you're the best boyfriend on earth or even I cannot live without you.
我可以半年没有你，就可一辈子没有你！
1 more month to go.

Please don't come back.
没有你，我会过得更好。
我依然爱着你，可是我回不去了。
对不起。

Dear Stanic,

How are you?
Ray told me you've been to KL.
I've been trying so hard to not talk about you.

Or even think about you.

I hid you from my newsfeed.
I never dare myself to click your Facebook profile.
I hid Gons, Jack, Ryn and Yoke Shian from my newsfeed too.
Couldn't take it when I saw Doreen's face on your timeline.

I don't understand why both of you have to be so mean.

Worst, my mind doesn't listen to me most of the time.

I miss you when Environmental Science and Services class gets way too boring.

Sometimes, I get very depressed and lonely. Nobody was there for me.

And sometimes, I cry myself to sleep when I'm missing you too much.

Seriously boy, why.

Steady girl.

He's gonna pay for it.
No more tears, okay?

No longer your muse

Baby, I miss you.

It's been almost 4 months.
And I've never stopped counting down since the day we separated.

I'm counting down towards the sixth month.
And then, a year.

Glad that Ray's been back into my life.
He used to be such a gift to me, and I loved him like my own brother.

But not any longer, after so much that have happened.
And the moment when he asked, "Do you still like him?"
I went silent. I knew I miss you so badly and I wanted to cry.

But no matter what and anyhow, I know I can make it without you.
Thanks for teaching me such a valuable lesson.

满

I miss you a lot, baby.
Thought of you every single day.
But there's no turning back, and I know that.
Good luck with life.

Babe,

I wonder how have you been doing lately...

Is everything good?

Sorry for not celebrating your birthday with you.

I had actually came up with a plan. Even discussed with Ryn about it.
But Eunice thinks that it was unnecessary since you haven't been appreciating the things I've done.

She was trying to protect me from getting hurt. So, I did what she said. 

Only that, I wished you "Happy Birthday".

Babe, I'm so sorry. But I couldn't help it.

I've gave in so much, and all I hope is you to treat me a little better.

But could you?

Never knew you could broke my heart into pieces.

But damn, I miss you so much.
So much...

I wish you'd know.

Babe..

终于，你选择走了.

你走后，我哭了好几天。

然后咧？有用吗？

还以为，我真的可以那么坚强面对。

可是我错了。

我不是铁质的。

我是人，我需要依靠，需要你爱，需要你疼。

我是多么想你，你知道吗？

What goes around comes around...

Something snapped me right back to 2010 recently.

Where the same situation occurred, and where the same feelings lingered around.

Felt as if a huge truck had just ran over my body. Not only once, but twice. 

All these while, I thought I have passed the test.

But I was wrong. So wrong.

:(

Felt like shit, lately.
And so alone.
Wtf.

6 Things That Every Creative Person Must Know About

When it comes to art and being creative, there are no rules. Here are 6 things that every creative person must know about.

1. Aim to be different.

You can either aim to be “better” than all the other artists out there or you can aim to be “different”. Stop comparing yourself to other people. There will always be things that they can do better than you. Likewise, there are also things that you can do better than anybody else. You are in a class of your own. Embrace your uniqueness. Dare to be different. Look at Lady Gaga. When she was in grade school everyone would laugh at her for being weird. For being different. But it is because she has embraced her uniqueness that she has become the best selling artist she is today.

1. Challenges are what push you to be better.

No one likes having problems. But instead of thinking of them as problems why not think of them as challenges? Every time you are challenged you are pushed to become a better artist. Why? Because it is when you step out of your comfort zone that you learn and grow. There is more to art than what you already know. Be willing to discover new horizons.

1. Trust your gut.

We artists have gut feels. We know instinctively whether a piece of art needs something more or is just “right”. Yes, we should listen to what other people have to say. But in the end we should trust our instincts.

1. Simplicity is beauty.

A piece of art does not have to be complicated in order to be beautiful. More often than not, simplicity is the key to beauty. Remove distractions. Get rid of clutter. Decide what your main subject is and let everything revolve around that.

1. Make mistakes.

Making mistakes are the fastest way to learn. Don’t be afraid to go wrong. Make mistakes and learn from them. Avoiding failure is pointless. Sooner or later we’ll trip up. After all we are only human. Instead avoiding failure, learn to look at it from another perspective. Look at each “failure” as a learning experience.

1. Real artists create.

There are many kinds of artists. But the bottom line is real artists create their own stuff. Sure you can get inspired by the work of other artists. But don’t copy it. Make your own. Create your own mark. Try new stuff. Use old materials in different ways.

“Amy C. is an interior decoration aficionado and online marketer.  She also likes testing and trying new home and office decorating themes.  In addition to being an interior decoration hobbyist, she enjoys designing calming solar fountains and glass art.  Amy invites you to browse her delightful collection of glass vases”