Haven't been blogging for quite a bit. It's 0531, I can't sleep. I'm the next 0530女郎，Sean's jokes bout Limjiaki not sleeping and typing essays on wechat in Mandrin. Couldn't sleep because returning back to Penang brings me memories I prolly would not want to remind me of myself. I went to PCGHS earlier on yesterday, had Goodall food for lunch, Java chips in Starbucks and Flamingo afterwards. BEACH, somewhere we high school girls loved to go so much. And before it had been named as Flamingo it was called the Paradise Beach Hotel. That's when the memories started flashing back...

I could picture myself with Yeouching and Suzhen, watching sunset together after escaping for that horrendous meetyourfriends session in gurney. It didn't worked out and you snapped on me. I remembered very clearly you forced me to TALK. Just TALK, you said. Until now I couldn't, and I don't know if it's a gift or a disadvantage.

I've been so self conscious throughout the years., so bad that I couldn't even type a proper caption without googling, so bad that I ended up copying sentences and quotes I saw online. It's been 6 years,  I've grown up and I couldn't turn back time and type like how I was typing before shit happens.

It's 2016. You've changed, and so do I.
We can never go back to 20/10/2010. It's ridiculous to have even thought about it.
But I can't help it tonight. I can't help myself with all the negativity and low self esteem.
I couldn't help but thought to myself that if I had not pushed you away 4 years back, where would I be right now? Would that make me someone else? I couldn't stop wondering since idk when. Sometimes I miss the old you. The old sharkie who loves to bite, who encourages and help me out, who sees the good in me. I need that sharkie to raise me up, right now, at this moment, as I'm so lost and don't know what's my next step. I certainly don't want to screw up and certainly doesn't want to get engage right now.

I sent you a "hey". I've so many things to say. But seriously, you know what?
The last time I told you how I actually felt, I can tell that you've thoroughly moved on.
Stewie's the one, you said. I used to say, give her 3 months, seems like it doesn't work that way. 3 years it is. 3 years...

If I could turn back time, I would.

#likeshit

I'm sitting down in the bedroom we previously slept on errrrday the month before, which is freezing whenever the weather turns cold. Don't have a word to describe what exactly feeling right now, it feels like shit alright, there's nobody that I can talk to. Well, maybe I do, but how could I make them understand when they're not here experiencing what I'm experiencing? Yes, ungrateful bitch. I seriously have no idea what am I doing right now in UTAS, seriously have no idea what I am doing here in Tasmania. It's like I'm lost, I have no idea what the lecturers are talking about in class while the rest seems to understand perfectly or even if they do not, at least they understand after it's being repeated like 2 or 3 times. Not only I lost motivation, I lost my passion. Don't know what am I doing on Earth and all I am thinking about is to end this torture by graduating. And what after that? DO I HAVE TALENT OR I DO NOT? Yesterday I cried myself to sleep thinking how Malaysia sucks and how horrible the education system is and look at the fucking currency right now. RM1 equals to 880 baht. Fuck it, MYR used to be higher than Thai Baht. What the hell happened? I miss home so much. I miss all my friends and family back there. My room. The food back there in Penang and the hot weather. I still hate the cold weather here, it turns my freaking skin dry and all sorts of black heads pop up on my face. I basically look like shit here, not having much time to actually LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I PUT ON WEIGHT, like freaking fast. I didn't even take carbs. Everyone here is so... selfish. Or say, individualistic. Friends, what's that over here? Can it be eaten? I do not even bother contacting anyone back home simply because nobody that I've known of would understand, and I hate letting people know that I am sad. The problem here is, I'm not only sad. I've plunge to my lowest, I've always had low confidence in myself and over here it is worst. It is worst and I don't know what am I doing. I tried solving problems, I tried. But I couldn't. And now I'm doing this as my last resort. BLOGGING. Spit whatever shit out that is right now inside me. If I don't perhaps I'll go insane or in need of psychological help after a feel months. I feel so out of place all the time, not happy. Just not happy here,

Bern pm me yesterday asking if I'm alright. Of course I am not.
I'm studying here using my parents' money and I'm lost not knowing what to do?
What the hell am I doing? Am I not suppose to know what steps should I take in life?
I'm 23, freaking 23. My friends could be back there in Penang, working after their degree life in a local office not pursuing anything in life. I do not want that. I have friends who have big dreams but are too afraid to achieve them, too often distracted by the on-going activities/entertainment around them, not saving money, not thinking about their future, and STILL going to Songkran Festival two days ago. I miss everyone of them so much, how warm they made me feel like I exist. Unlike here. What am I? I cannot feel my existence, I cannot feel there's a use or talent in me. I want to climb higher but now what? I felt as if I've fallen down a cliff, stuck on a tree waiting to die.

I cannot see my ability to design as a good designer. Coming to Tasmania makes me realise what Jon really meant while he was accessing my final presentation in Equator. He said, you sometimes overworked things, Mingli. You tend to photograph other people's design using your eyes and apply it on your designs. I believe you can be a good designer, if you genuinely design something from your within. I NEVER TOOK THAT SERIOUSLY. Until the day of the graduation exhibition, he approached me again, saying... The local would love this, but not me (indicating the whites). I've always struggled with conceptual ideas. What I'm struggling now is even worst. I cannot see anything ahead of me, and it's killing me inside. The guilt, the pressure, deadlines and an unsupporting boyfriend who thinks that all these is a joke and that I am not working hard enough on my work and my work is rubbish. Yes, I admit you are far better than me, way better than me, then why be with me? GO AWAY instead of pressing your finger against my wound.

I'm trying to be POSITIVE all the time, ditching all bad thoughts and the idea of crying to my mom asking her for help when I'm a kid. My parents spoilt me too much, always afraid that I might fall down and that I might hurt myself. Afraid that there is not enough funds, afraid of that, afraid of this. It makes me worry even more. Ricky have always told me that I'm an embedded diamond which is yet to be found, I might not want to believe what he said 100%, because I guess he never really meant it. But I want to shine one day, with my own achievements. But like Ricky said, with encouragements and opportunities it would help. But if all I wanted to hear is just lies to make me believe what I can do, I would rather not hear them at all.

Right now I could type a 2500 word blog post without even stopping for a moment to check if there is any spelling mistakes, or misuse of words. I've always wanted to do the best, but working hard isn't the way. Working smart is. That's what I see here. I see people with deep critical thinking, expressing ideas with confidence, plus, time efficiency. It's not like I want to be like them 100%, but I'm hoping that I could be more productive, work things faster and come out with some brilliant ideas. All these months here, I just... couldn't. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I couldn't cope with the culture, yet I don't want to go back home. I don't know what to do and it seems as if nobody could understand. Who can I talk to?

All I do is stressing up myself, crying and running away when there are problems. And when I'm done crying, I try solving the puzzle only to find that there are a few pieces missing. I cannot drag this any longer or else I'm really going to go crazy or insane someday, like imba and in need of medicinal intake to balance my emotions. I'm suffering, from the inside. Just not happy, not happy here but trying very hard to.

Coward.

"I don't know how much longer can I hold so much disappointment.

Something I have never excelled in. Something that have let me down, over and over again.

Only god knows how grateful I am with what I am showered with. 

But there's this one thing that doesn't make sense.
And that I really don't understand.

I really don't."

I am a coward.
Posting what's above in Bread and Butter, everyone can see it.
And I can't bare what damage it is going to cost me, maybe typing here is way easier.

I actually cried on my way home today.
Not because he didn't want to talk to me still.
Not because I miss him but it reminds me of what a failure I am to have the history repeat again.
Yes or no? Is it just me or what?

Something wrong with me?
I don't get it and I have been searching for answers all the time.
Or is it that he isn't the guy for me? Or what? I need someone to give me an answer.
No point typing here so fast.

My head is about to explode with all the questions inside.
Did I just get played again? Or, if he's just not that into you?
Boy, I don't know what to do. I swear, I have been trying.

I am SUCH AN IDIOT. FUCK.
I CANNOT STAND THE TORTURE.

143

Things are better with babe, so far.
At least after a month, and two weeks short of topics to talk about.
Keeping ourselves awkwardly quiet during meal times.
I almost... gave up.

But here we are.
Still best friends and lovers.
Though he popped cherry two days ago, I think. (1/7)
He was really gentle. Asked me to hug him as he was about to enter.
And it didn't hurt that bad like what I've expected.
Yes it still hurts, but bearable.

Everything just happened naturally.
Me and him.

In doubt

I saw the texts.
I froze.

It was written on 5th or 6th June.

Vexed. Annoyed. Frustrated

Couldn't blog without sleeping.
I feel disastrous since last night, because of Sean.
Not because that he did anything wrong, but I just felt as if both of us are aliens from 2 different planets.
It's been almost like 3 months now, and yeah. Shit happens after 3 months, and now..
I could TOTALLY see what person he's like.

Yik Ting's right.
It's better to KNOW someone first before GETTING TOGETHER with them.
Now I totally know why she said that to me like a million times. Because damn, she's right.

The first thing is.
OUR INTERESTS.
Talking bout interests, that includes the way we dress.
He's colourful, I'm a Black and White person.
We couldn't really accept our thinking on each other's clothing.
Like seriously. And he said that I'm an AUNTY. wtf?!

THE WAY HE TALKS
It's like so damn straight sometimes.
It offends me. Unnecessarily.
You don't tell a girl you like that she looks like a witch.
Or that her life's boring, that she has no friends, that she's dull!

INSENSITIVITY
Oh yesssss, guys are insensitive.
Absolutely, but is he dumb shit or what.
No texts for half a day? One text takes you 10 mins to reply?
And tell you he doesn't like to text?
Going vacation or deciding certain things without notifying you?
Forgetting about a movie date that you promised to go with your dream girl?
HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
I want to be that girl that my BOYFRIEND would actually be proud of showing everyone else around him.
AND HE HAS NO BALLS, LIKE TOTALLY. WE JUST ACT AS IF WE ARE STRANGERS!
AND HE'S NOT THERE WHEN I REALLY NEED HIM.
ALL HE DOES IS SLEEP. SLEEP. CONTINUE SLEEPING AFTER THAT.
DAFUQ.

KIAM SIAP-NESS
Yes, I know you're not like a rich kid.
But why is he ALWAYS acting as if I want to use his money.
I paid for Twelve Cups, I paid for all my Starbucks. Like wtf.
Why does he want to count everything so clearly in front of me and always tell me that he wants to save up.
I know right, save up. But you don't have to always mention in front of me like I want to use all of your money. Why separate the bills so clearly. WTF.


YOU DON'T FORCE A GIRL YOU LIKE TO ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO.
Which probably explains why 6/7 of his relationships failed? I guesssssss...
It doesn't work because of the above. A girl needs love and care.
Not someone who abandons her to be with his friends and fuck shit.

Okay, and the thing that I've been trying to get rid of my mind.
But I can't. I just can't.

I hate a guy who doesn't understand proper english.
You don't know what's BUFF? 24/7? Fuck off. Learn!
I still love guys who are 170cm and above. Who are not fat.
I'm not saying he's fat but still.. after all these shits, appearance matters to me again.

I don't know what to do.
I don't like him the way when I fall in love with my exes.
It feels GOD DAMN different. I feel NOTHING AT ALL.
And to make things worst right, I am desperate. I'm focusing on someone else.
It's turning me nuts because I hate smokers and drinkers, and I know it's impossible.

I just... wish there's this special someone for me to rely on after all these while.
It feels horrible to be alone sometimes. To feel lonely and alone.

Before I go to bed...

It's 4.14a.m. now.
And I'd blog something before lying on the bed.
Again, Yikting and I are triplets again, with Nick.
Our group are always within the number of 4.

Yuki, Beechin, Yikting and I.
Nickson, Yikting and I.
Nick, Yikting, Jiet and I.

Nick had been mentioning about my taohua, dinner time last night.
It happens that guys that seemed to show interest, isn't just a few.
But what I really wanted is just a good one rather than ten moderates.
Seriously, what's the point having lantaohua anyway?

10 more days.
10 more days and this is it.
365 days without you and Imma still rockin.
Goodbye Stanic Teoh, all memories deleted and erased.

Say HI to babo.

Nightmares

Another nightmare last night.
Doreen Yeap appeared in my dream, close up.
It hasn't occurred for a while until last night after viewing Stanic's Facebook Profile.
In the dream I was sitting beside mommy, in a cafe. For some reasons, I was holding to Doreen's jacket.
And there she stood, in a turquoise dinner gown, standing beside the door staring to no where.
Suddenly, she approached me and asked if I know who she is.
I acted as if I didn't, and as usual, pretended to be blur.

She did not gave up, sat beside me, and gave me that "I know that you know who am I" look.
I panicked, forgot the rest of the dream and woke up. Back in reality.

I wonder why she came back haunting me, even after so long.
She's married, or maybe, a bride to be. I don't know and do not want to know.

I'm just grateful that he left, now that I don't feel any pain at all.

Nightmare

It's 7.13pm and I have just woken up from a dream.
A nightmare, I have to say.

Probably because I read about that man-made "haunted house" in Japan right before I sleep.
They said it was so scary that nobody has ever finished the whole journey.
But anyway, what I dreamt happened outdoors.

I was dreaming about this weird place, I was having dinner at.
It is a dimmed-lit restaurant, doesn't seem like Malaysia to me.
For some reasons, I went in and out of the restaurant for a total of 5 or 6 times.
Surprisingly, the waiter did not get frustrated of me.

Suddenly, all the lights were off. It turned into a club/pub.
However, there was this huge window in front of us with strong lights shining in.
He invited me for dinner with his boss, a woman in her 40s, wicked smile.
We were served appetizers that are prepared right in front of us.
And I find it a abit funny because it has to be in Octopus shape.
(Vegetable arrangements)

And that person standing right next to me is my BFF, Yik Ting.
Once, we passed by a field full of animal bodies. The parts are shattered, blood everywhere.
There was this hand of a gorilla, ran over by trucks/cars, furless.
And a dog, stuck on the tree. Like 1 or 2 storeys high.
With its burning red paws trying to hold on to it.

It was such a nauseating scene.

And then, out of nowhere.

A Hyena appeared and came dashing towards us. 

We had to jump off an edge and hid in a drain, a deep one.

Our hands hung to support our bodies, but suddenly the drain changed into something else.

It changed into a building, where there is another person bathing and singing on the other side of the wall.

The wall we were clinging on to. And suddenly, our legs touched the ground, we were indoors.

I looked around, realized that we were in the laundry room because there are white cloths everywhere.

Then I saw daddy come in, asking for a hairdryer. To my horror, I immediately had this vision.

The hairdryer could be converted into a drill when taken off its casing.

For some reasons, daddy took it off the casing, forgot about it and started using it.

I wanted to cry because I just witness my dad killed himself in front of me.

But it was just a vision. Thank god daddy didn't die.

I woke up, shocked. Realised how bad things could happen in a split second.
Then, this thought came to me. I am 21 years old now, aging. This happens to daddy and mummy as well.

I can't imagine the day when we finally have to part in this world.

I wish, it didn't have to happen at all.

Mum and Dad.
I love you guys.

Stress

I had an awesome day-out with Sean yesterday.
He brought me to places that I wanted to go, sometimes he's such a darling.
But the guiltiness is there, I can't stop thinking about assignments.
It's pilling up, higher and higher, and I'm so worried that I couldn't finish them in time.

It's WEEK 3 already.
Why didn't I feel the PUSH yet?
Sigh

Go Mingli, GO GO GO!

Monday

Went out with Sean for dinner last night.
Dad was away, and mom doesn't wanna cook me dinner. Ugh.

We had this awesome Wan Tan Mee at Chulia Street.
Gosh, I've never liked Wan Tan Mee, but how come this one tastes so good?!

Things went pretty well, no more awkward silence/stares.
LOL, at least we have something to talk about right now, right?
He's not shy anymore, I'm no longer quiet.
Fair enough.

I think things are working out between us. As friends.
Let's see if I could make him, one of my BEST friends.

It felt great that I have stopped thinking about Stanic for a while.
I don't miss him anymore, but I still think about him sometimes.
His silhouette, his dark hair, brown eyes, angular face and smile.
Yes, maybe I miss his body but not his soul.
I hate it when someone lies to me
or want something from me.

And I'm feeling better today, now.
Going to college sounds dreadful to me.
Fakers everywhere, but still. I guess I'd just have to remain positive.
It's the last 5 months in Equator, make some friends perhaps?
Well, it's not like everyone hates me or what.

Yik Ting could be my friend.
Nick, SeongYu, Jiet and Nein, could be.
I'd just try and mingle around, like Zach says.
Maybe he's right at some point, I should do what I like and fuck the others.
And at least, stop being so EMOOOOOO and self concious.

You'll be fine, darling.
You'll be fine, don't worry.
:)

Losing my direction in life

It felt as if I don't know what to do anymore.
Here I am, sitting on my bed, typing.

I became lazy throughout the internship.
And now week one's over and I'm still in my holiday mood.
I'm sick. I don't feel like doing anything. My room is in a mess.

Visiting Novae kind of freaked me out.
And I wonder, if this career is what I've always wanted.

I have what people called the "Social Anxiety".
I have always tried to overcome this, but recently it just seem that I tried nothing at all.
I'm still that quiet Mingli, who doesn't want to approach people, who keep things to herself,
who rather express her feelings in words than talking/speaking it out.
What's happening to me, really?

Dub dub dub

You made my heartbeat again.
And I think I'm in love.

"S" or ASS?

My feelings are turning neural lately.
I'm talking about love chemistry, it's pH 7 right now.

I couldn't find time thinking about him at all.
It wasn't strange at all, I was expecting this to happen.
But why now, that familiar feeling I had, again...
I don't want to fall in love so quickly.
No! I don't wanna make a fool of myself.
Sigh.

Follow your subconcious, girl.

Carefree

Arrived early in the office this morning, Ms. Lim wasn't even here yet.

There's only two weeks left before internship ends, I have so much work to do.

Funny how I could still sit here and type crap.

I've been thinking a lot lately, browsing some of my previous blogs.

The way I write and describe things, it's way different.
I wasn't that self-conscious. Maybe I should practice that again.
No more low self-esteem, Ms. Chan. 

Brush up, yo.

The Vow

The thing is,
each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced,
with all the people we've ever known.

And its these moments that become our history.
Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.

Valentine's Day

Hi, baby.

It's Feb 14th, Happy Valentine's Day.

:)

Spent my night watching The Vow.
Remember? The movie you said you'd watched together with me.

We didn't make it though. No chance to see my tears. Boo!

Guess the seats in GSC were full back then.

Both of us went for something else instead.

Next Saturday would be the 9th month.

Being single could certainly be such torture sometimes.

Definitely, I'm not afraid to be in a long-distance relationship.

I'm more afraid of being with a man, who'd leave me for somebody else.

1. Somebody who's far better than me, in socializing? 

I kinda suck in that. Interacting and making new friends are hard to me.

I can't help it, I don't know why. Probably I'm over-self-conscious.

And this is bad.

2. Somebody who has the ability to make you happy and laugh all the time?

I made you angry whenever I'm clumsy. You never liked me like that.

And it's really sad and hurtful, because I'm trying my best to change that.

:(

3. Somebody who's pretty, sexy and would never fail to let you feel so turned on?

Well, I used to have pimples and acnes all over my face. Which, I still do now. But it's much better!

There's only scars left on my face. Bet it wouldn't be too disgusting to see.

No more frizzy hair. I've cut it short, it'd probably grow back to shoulder's length in a few months time.

I don't have huge boobies and I'm a virgin. Still.

I exercise more than I do in the past. I can do more than this.

I can learn how to dance, dress up, wear high heels, tong my hair and probably make up.

But would you still.. fall for me one more time?

Accepting that fact for who I really am?

Because... I still love you.

Everything about you.
Sigh.

Today

Haven't blogged here for quite a while.
I was busy with work, busy reading Fifty Shades Trilogy.

Busy doing anything simply to just not think about YOU, you know who you are.

 Spending time with my girls are the best times of my life.

I can like... totally be myself in front of em.

Seriously.

And they wouldn't judge me.

Sad thing is, I wish I didn't always have to be the lightbulb.

Though I'm perfectly fine and comfortable being one.

Had a real weird dream yesterday.

I dreamt of my college mates, HOW SURPRISING.

In my dream, I saw Yik Ting, Nick and Jiet. Probably.

And, we were in this elevator of EAA.

I don't remember how.

But I remembered Jiet giving me a long hug.

I don't know what that's for. It felt good though.

After all, it's been such a long time since someone hugged me like that.

And immediately, I knew it was a dream, but I didn't wanna wake up.

Yik Ting's standing beside me, shaking her head and I think she whispered something in my ear.

There was no sign of Jiaki. Jiet ignored Yik Ting completely.

I think we stayed like that for a while, I hugged him back and touch his neck. Wtf.

Then I caught him telling me something I find totally unacceptable.

Something like, "Give me another chance" sorta thing.

I shoved him aside after that.

Because deep inside I know I can't trust this guy.

And then, I just woke up. 

It was 7.35 a.m.

I know I'm probably crazy to even type this.
I have no feelings towards him anymore. It's been so long anyway.

But one thing that I didn't get it is, how come I dreamt of so much of other people around me.

Rather than the one whom I love the most? Why isn't it always you, but someone else?

I don't get it

Sigh

I didn't expect my mood to swing so much.
But you blew me off just with one Facebook Message.

"I just went to your house area."
So what, what the hell you want now?

心还是热的

I found myself waking up today morning with my arms wrapped arounfd hippo.
How unusual, lately I wake up like this almost every morning.

20. He starts to tease you more than normal

‘  This is similar to number 9, picking on your appearance. The reason he does this is the same reason you might get annoyed with a guy that kisses your ass too much. He has lost respect for you and he is picking on you to see if you will fight back. Cut to the chase, call him an asshole, and punch him in the nose. Surprisingly, you might just get him back after doing this ’

What I read last night made me tear.
25 Signs To Know For SURE He’s Not Into You!

I find myself so dumb, so foolish.
Should have known the signs rather than ignoring it.
Was too naive, too blind because I love you so much...

I'm feeling horrible now.
God knows why.

My bro smokes Marijuana?!
Wtf. I can't believe that.
He's making whatever kind of pot from a plastic water bottle.
And mom actually believes that he drink the water in it?

Omg, what am I gonna do?
I have no one to tell.
Like seriously.

KL

宝贝，明天我下来找你了。

MOIS

Stepped into the club yesterday for the first time, without you.
I was a little afraid. ( In fact, I am always scared whenever I step into Mois. )
And it felt so different. So different without you with me. WTF

I caught myself constantly staring at the tables we used to stand.
Then I told myself, I should be enjoying at this hour. Not reminiscing bullshits.
So I started drinking and dancing. Never felt so happy before.

1 a.m.
Jason brought me to the dance floor.
The other guys went as well.

We were dancing and out of a sudden, he hugged me so tight.
Like wtf, my best friend huggggged me. And for whattttt?!
I ignored him and continued dancing until I got really dizzy.
He brought me to the toilet, got my a few glasses of water and yeah..
I was okay again and he brought me to the dance floor.
Then fucking hugged me again.

I seriously wanted to push him away because the others would see.
I know, I know, we are in the club and we could actually do whatever we want.
But I didn't want it. I became so speechless I didn't even wanna look at him.
I grabbed my fist so tight and turned my head away while he whispered something into my ear.
I could not even digest what he had said to me, all I could picture was you and I started to hit him.
Yes, he's been into me for like a year or more already but... damn.
NO! I DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
FUCK.

I kept telling myself.
It's okay. It's okaaaaaaaaay.
He's your best friend, and those hugs mean NOTHING.
But I gotta face it, it doesn't mean NOTHING to him. It meant SOMETHING.
And he has a fucking GIRLFRIEND at home, he shouldn't be doing this!
Like seriously.
Gosh.

All a sudden, it became so clear to me.
And I got my thoughts figured out on the dance floor.

Still can't get over you, babe.
I really love you.
A lot.

So much that my doors are closed for any other guys out there.
You made me one silly girl. So dumb and so stupid.
Happy?

Dream again.

Before I forget this dream, I'd like to jot it down. Here.
It was another weird dream I had last night.
I was on vacation with a few friends.
Couldn't remember who they are.

We were in Chengdu.
I didn't know how the hell did I even got there.
It started with us (6 person including myself) sitting at the porch of a hut.
The grass around us were dead and that was the only hut on the entire wasteland.
Out of nowhere, a fortune teller approached us and handed everyone of us a piece of paper.
He asked us to read the contents on it (which indicates our destiny).
To prove that he's not lying, he asked us to tore the paper into two.
And when I do so, 3 more pieces of paper fell out from the paper itself.
Odd, isn't it? But I was amazed.

The first was the picture of my mom, with her chinese name on it.
The second were details of where I live etc.
Couldn't remember the third one.

So... I guess the contents were true.
But how come I couldn't recall any of it?!
Dafuq.

Then here came the second scene.
I was at the balcony of our "hotel" room.
Doesn't really seem like a hotel though, it was more like a place where Aladdin stays. wtf.
It was approximately 5-6 storeys high, and beneath the "hotel" was a long stretch of market.
Somehow, my eyes was drawn to two guys opposite the building.
It was him. And his friend, Gons?!

And there they were, walking to buy breakfast for themselves.
I think I quickly turned away before they get to see me.

How did I actually come up with this dream?
It was so weird. It was just... so weird and full of imagination.
Cheng Du?! Why not Malaysia instead.
Cos I'm heading to KL in two weeks time.

Baby

Another dream last night.

I remembered I was somewhere around Fettes Park.

Couldn't remember who I was with, but it was either Vivi or Jye Lan. 

We stood by the short flight of stairs, leaning on the wall talking.
All of a sudden, this face caught my eye.

It was you. 

But you looked saggy and old.

On your head was short white hair as though you're in your 60s? Wtf.

That didn't surprise me.

All I did was standing there, dumb folded.

Your eyes made its way to where I stood as you walked pass us.

And all of a sudden, I just wanted to hide. I just wanted to run away and disappear.

Beside me was Jye Lan or Vivi's voice, asking me to not back off.

That voice was asking me to move forward and talk to you.

I didn't do it. I just can't because I'm too afraid.

I woke up not long after that.

Feeling stupid, as usual.

It's almost 6 months!

But I still miss you that much.

I've no intention to have you replaced with someone else, yet.

Then suddenly I realized how much I love you.

How I wish you're still mine.
Baby.

Sometimes, I still miss you.

I had the weirdest dream last night.
Couldn't remember every part of the dream but you were there.

You don't usually appear in my dreams, but yesterday, you did.
My family members were there as well.
Dad, and my brother Jeff.

We were back there in the house at Bukit Gambier.
And it wasn't particularly empty and dirty like how it used to be.
Sunlight shone in through the jalouise windows. And it was so yellow, so beautiful.
I guess it was evening and the sun was almost setting.

In the dream, Jeff and dad stood outside the house.
I popped my head at the door and waved to them, telling them I'm okay and asking them to leave.
And in front of the house was my car, nicely parked at the car porch like always.

Then, we were alone.
I could feel your arms around me.
And the warmth that I haven't felt for a while, the smell of you after a bath.
Deep down, I know that you shouldn't be forgiven for what you have done.
But without a doubt, I hugged you so tightly and didn't wanna let go.
I did not utter a single word and nor did I tear.

What I wanted to tell you was, for all these months...
Boy, I miss you so much.

Immediately after that, I woke up. Puzzled.
I couldn't believe what I have just dreamed, seriously.
After all, you only came into my dream twice after the breakup.
And still, I didn't know what do they actually mean.

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

It started with a whatsapp status.
Then a row of instagram pictures.
"Hi, how are you lately?" texts from you in MSN. Twice.
The second one kinda pissed me off. Sent my face into bright red.
Worst, Raymond was just beside me at that moment.
But he didn't know.

And the next thing I knew was clicking on your Facebook profile.
Well, I finally had the guts to do so before I go to bed last night.

Oh, so Doreen has this new lalazai boyfriend within a month or so.
She deleted all your pictures in Facebook and Instagram.
Deleted pictures in Phuket with the other ex in it as well.
You guys broke up, I guess.

I just don't get it.
Is it expected that things turn up this way?
If it is, seriously she could just not exist and not take you away from me.
Does she even know how much I have been through all these months?
FUCK! What a BITCH.

Then I started to worry about myself.
I've been missing you like crazy and I want you back.
Only for the feelings that nobody could offer, but you.
That's like that dumbest thing to do, ever.
Seriously, why am I so stupid?

It's been 5 fucking months and I still couldn't get you off my mind.
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?!
It's not like you're the best boyfriend on earth or even I cannot live without you.
我可以半年没有你，就可一辈子没有你！
1 more month to go.

Please don't come back.
没有你，我会过得更好。
我依然爱着你，可是我回不去了。
对不起。

Dear Stanic,

How are you?
Ray told me you've been to KL.
I've been trying so hard to not talk about you.

Or even think about you.

I hid you from my newsfeed.
I never dare myself to click your Facebook profile.
I hid Gons, Jack, Ryn and Yoke Shian from my newsfeed too.
Couldn't take it when I saw Doreen's face on your timeline.

I don't understand why both of you have to be so mean.

Worst, my mind doesn't listen to me most of the time.

I miss you when Environmental Science and Services class gets way too boring.

Sometimes, I get very depressed and lonely. Nobody was there for me.

And sometimes, I cry myself to sleep when I'm missing you too much.

Seriously boy, why.

Steady girl.

He's gonna pay for it.
No more tears, okay?

No longer your muse

Baby, I miss you.

It's been almost 4 months.
And I've never stopped counting down since the day we separated.

I'm counting down towards the sixth month.
And then, a year.

Glad that Ray's been back into my life.
He used to be such a gift to me, and I loved him like my own brother.

But not any longer, after so much that have happened.
And the moment when he asked, "Do you still like him?"
I went silent. I knew I miss you so badly and I wanted to cry.

But no matter what and anyhow, I know I can make it without you.
Thanks for teaching me such a valuable lesson.

满

I miss you a lot, baby.
Thought of you every single day.
But there's no turning back, and I know that.
Good luck with life.

Babe,

I wonder how have you been doing lately...

Is everything good?

Sorry for not celebrating your birthday with you.

I had actually came up with a plan. Even discussed with Ryn about it.
But Eunice thinks that it was unnecessary since you haven't been appreciating the things I've done.

She was trying to protect me from getting hurt. So, I did what she said. 

Only that, I wished you "Happy Birthday".

Babe, I'm so sorry. But I couldn't help it.

I've gave in so much, and all I hope is you to treat me a little better.

But could you?

Never knew you could broke my heart into pieces.

But damn, I miss you so much.
So much...

I wish you'd know.

Babe..

终于，你选择走了.

你走后，我哭了好几天。

然后咧？有用吗？

还以为，我真的可以那么坚强面对。

可是我错了。

我不是铁质的。

我是人，我需要依靠，需要你爱，需要你疼。

我是多么想你，你知道吗？

What goes around comes around...

Something snapped me right back to 2010 recently.

Where the same situation occurred, and where the same feelings lingered around.

Felt as if a huge truck had just ran over my body. Not only once, but twice. 

All these while, I thought I have passed the test.

But I was wrong. So wrong.

:(

Felt like shit, lately.
And so alone.
Wtf.

6 Things That Every Creative Person Must Know About

When it comes to art and being creative, there are no rules. Here are 6 things that every creative person must know about.

1. Aim to be different.

You can either aim to be “better” than all the other artists out there or you can aim to be “different”. Stop comparing yourself to other people. There will always be things that they can do better than you. Likewise, there are also things that you can do better than anybody else. You are in a class of your own. Embrace your uniqueness. Dare to be different. Look at Lady Gaga. When she was in grade school everyone would laugh at her for being weird. For being different. But it is because she has embraced her uniqueness that she has become the best selling artist she is today.

1. Challenges are what push you to be better.

No one likes having problems. But instead of thinking of them as problems why not think of them as challenges? Every time you are challenged you are pushed to become a better artist. Why? Because it is when you step out of your comfort zone that you learn and grow. There is more to art than what you already know. Be willing to discover new horizons.

1. Trust your gut.

We artists have gut feels. We know instinctively whether a piece of art needs something more or is just “right”. Yes, we should listen to what other people have to say. But in the end we should trust our instincts.

1. Simplicity is beauty.

A piece of art does not have to be complicated in order to be beautiful. More often than not, simplicity is the key to beauty. Remove distractions. Get rid of clutter. Decide what your main subject is and let everything revolve around that.

1. Make mistakes.

Making mistakes are the fastest way to learn. Don’t be afraid to go wrong. Make mistakes and learn from them. Avoiding failure is pointless. Sooner or later we’ll trip up. After all we are only human. Instead avoiding failure, learn to look at it from another perspective. Look at each “failure” as a learning experience.

1. Real artists create.

There are many kinds of artists. But the bottom line is real artists create their own stuff. Sure you can get inspired by the work of other artists. But don’t copy it. Make your own. Create your own mark. Try new stuff. Use old materials in different ways.

“Amy C. is an interior decoration aficionado and online marketer.  She also likes testing and trying new home and office decorating themes.  In addition to being an interior decoration hobbyist, she enjoys designing calming solar fountains and glass art.  Amy invites you to browse her delightful collection of glass vases”

(^^^)

:(

我想你了

Baby..
You're not gonna do that to me, are you?

Land of Smiles

Leaving Malaysia next weekend, for Songkran.
Well hopefully, it'd be an enjoyable one with Teddy, Franklin and Andrew.
An escapade from my not-so-cool college mates.
Screw you guys.

4am

Never once I thought college life would be so complicated.

I woke up yesterday morning at 4am.

Did my assignments. Two A4 sized sketches for furniture design.

Equator's been pushing us hard on sketches lately. 

It does help but it irritates me to even hold my pencil to sketch sometimes.

My sketches are improving real fast, thanks to the school. *roll eyes*

But my CAD workkkkkk....

Fuck

And as usual. Dramas in college.

This time, Yuki and Bee Chin.

I've totally had enough of losing friends!

Or trusting people that I knew I shouldn't.

I bet Yikting feels even worst than I do, right now.

So siennnnnn with college, really. 

Everyone's competing. 

勾心斗角

But going through all these hard times made me realise...

I'm not completely alone. I saw who my friends are...

And it doesn't necessarily have to be my awful interior classmates.

After all, I still have friends. They could be in Aussie right now, or even UK... anywhere in the world.

It doesn't matter, as long as they're all inside my heart.

What's more? I have a family and a cutie pie.

I should be grateful instead of complaining.

And seriously...

It's been almost one whole year..

But I can't believe I still couldn't let go of all those hatred towards that girl.

Why can't I just forgive, and move on?

Those shits, they still haunt me sometimes.

And I dont like it.

Hi

4.05 a.m. in the morning.
And I'm struggling with my AutoCAD.
I used to hate learning computer so much,
so much that I purposely failed my Computer subject during Form 1.
I received only 14 marks for an easy paper.
I was happy that I failed..
But now, I regret.
Seriously.

Things doesn't get any better for me.
Everything in college is okay, despite losing two of my favourite buddies.
One was Zeon, as expected. And the other, surprisingly and for no reason.
Raymond?! Yes. Raymond. The one whom I treated like my own brother.
He left, but not only that, he hates me now.
For no reason.
Wtf.

Oh yeah.
And thirdly.
My so called "sweetheart"?
Fuck that guy. Such a problem maker.
I'm totally speechless and like always tell Joe,
"I'm not gonna put any efforts in this shit!"

Lastly?
Some feelings that I couldn't let go of.
Which leaves me 无奈 to the max.
Nobody would UNDERSTAND.
And I could tell NOBODY, either. But myself.
Probably in my next life, it doesn'y have to be like this.

Hate the way Loy always jumped in as the third party,
thinking as if he fucking knowwwwwws everything.
Hate the way he scolded me like he's god.
Yeah, I know you freaking care about your friend.
Or your crush. Whatever.
"CBTM = Come back to me"
You said that you're trying to help her by whatsapp-ing me and telling me what it means?
Come on, Loy. Mingli is stupid.
But she figured out something SIMILAR to this, just that she didn't TELL YOU.
She couldn't figure out short forms like the way you, SMART ASS, did.
She'd rather be honest than to cheat the way out.

Other than staying in the room, having "fun" with assignments.
I guess I wouldn't know what else more to do.
It's been a while since I catch up with my high school friends.
All except Jye Lan, which, I've been meeting up quite often, lately.

I ate only a little these days.
One proper meal per day.
The rest of the time I'd probably drink Attain or Fiberwise from Melaleuca.
Not that I have no appetite, but I know that I'm really going
to get fat if I only eat, sleep and only focus on my assignments.

I rarely step foot on Burmatel nowadays.
Yik Ting goes there almost every night and...
I couldn't help her much on her assignments when I'm already so slow.
Though she seems to be the only friend that I could talk to about almost everything.
The only person that saw me cry during Valentine's Day,
and the only person who stayed by my side at Sunrise McDonalds the entire night.
I bet not even Yuki and Bee Chin know about this until I told them.
I cried, NOT because I don't have a valentine to celebrate with.
I cried for some fuck shit reason.

Doesn't matter that Zeon isn't gonna help me on homework anymore.
It really DOESN'T MATTER, SINCE HE THINKS THAT I'M BASICALLY USING HIM.
WTF, man. Who on earth wants to use you?!
At least I could be much more independent right now.
And what's more? Nickson is being really helpful.
He's been pushing me a lot, on my assignments.
Thank god.

3.48am

Time's ticking, and each time at a faster pace.
But deep inside, I know I have to stay in control.
Now it's not the time to fool around anyway.


And though I woke up this morning feeling as if it was a dream.
I'd really miss and would watch

... as you go.

The one that got away

Valentine's day would be here really soon.
And for Valentine's Day, Yu Ning has already got herself a Carlo Rino purse.

An 'in-advanced' present from her boyfriend, Eu Wing.

Guess every girl is looking forward for that day to come.

To spend that very special day with loved ones.

But not me.

Just a few minutes ago, I've posted a post on Mingli Bites.
And certainly, it would definitely piss you off if you see it.

What you didn't know is how I felt while browsing through the albums.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling guilty. 

But instead, a hollow breeze of uncertainty.

I know that I have to be strong enough to overcome this all by myself.

And to protect myself, it would be me to be the bad guy.

No doubt my friends would again be lesser.

Because again, it would be me who is gonna cuts all connections.

I couldn't be so selfish to regret it now.

It was my choice, after all.

You'd be freed in less than two weeks. 

From me. From that bitch who haunts you.

What more to worry, huh?

Sometimes,

I just wonder if I had just missed the best damn thing in my life.

Just because I merely couldn't take the pressure around me.

And what people expect me to be.

Baby boo, 

I'm so sorry for all the WRONGs that I've did.

And that I've hurt you.

This may sound really fake but..

nobody could replace all that you've given me.

Not even the life I'm living right now.
Not even, him.

Two days before Valentine's Day, would be February 12th...

Probably we wouldn never meet again...

I wish you, the best of luck.

:(

No one would be reading my posts over here anymore.
Because it's private, and there's only 7 people in this blog's reading list.
I guess I'd use this as a place to write about my thoughts.
Probably when things aren't right.

Time flies.
Things have changed a lot.
And as usual, nothing goes perfectly smooth.
I've gotten out from somewhere, which laymen would call "The Shit Hole".
My "mom" would be so proud of me if this happened a year back.
But the thing is, SHIT HOLE or not. Does it matter?

No it doesn't.
I don't let go of things so easily.
And it's not because I brainwashed myself,
but.. I just didn't want to remember.
It was... scary.

Everytime I started to reminisce...
Flashbacks came to me. I was so afraid that I didn't wanna think anymore.
Needless to mention about the word "Memories".
Everything's crushed by destructive acts that evening.
The word "sorry" wasn't for apologizing, it was to taunt me instead.
It made me wanting to run even faster instead of going back to where I was.
I remembered the pain that shot up from the back of my feet.
I remembered being helpless, sitting on the floor and cry.
I remembered my brain spinning with solutions that wouldn't worked.
I remembered being so weak physically that I'm unable to fight back at all.
It was the worst nightmare, ever.

So far, you're the best damn thing I've ever met.
It's just that I didn't have the chance to tell you. All these while.
Problem is...
You listen to nobody but yourself.
You couldn't make proper decisions.
And yet so stubborn, like a goat.
You ran when problems arise.
You hide when you couldn't face someone.

I'm born a girl. I do what girls do, and I need someone to rely on.
No matter how hard I try, I'll never understand how a guy think.
And what a man could for his girl. Because I'm not a man.
You can't make me do that. But to give me what I want.
Maybe I made a bad choice.
It's probably not gonna last.
But just a hopping stone?

Someday.
You'd understand why.

So not happy

Don't know how to describe the feeling I'm having right now.
Everything goes wrong. 

Everything crushed and rubbed in a paste.

Like wtf.

Sometimes, putting a smile on the face is so tiring.
Why can't you just understand?

I write less over here ever since I created "MingliBites".

But if you've noticed, I don't blog much about my feelings out there.
Well, that happened ever since horrible things started happening on me,

I swear I'd never trust someone so easily ever again.
And to never, ever show people who I was.

Not especially people like her.

Lim Jia Ki.

She nearly ruined my college life.

But guess what? It's been months and I've gotten over those shits.

Despite all those garbage that came out from her mouth, 

I've made new friends, met better people. 

And of course I can live without him!

But she can't. 

Yes, I admit that I've changed.

After all those shitty matters, the impact changed me even more.

Not my appearance, not my personality, but the way I think.

And then it got me stressed out, really. I spent my time figuring out what I want.

No matter what I do, where I go, I've to HIDE. I hate those bitches gossip about me.

I hate people discussing behind my back whether I already had sex or not.

And I hate people calling me... a slut? or a lesbian? a play girl or something?

Almost the whole class knows about what happened back in highschool.

Thanks to Lim Jia Ki. And if you were me, are you gonna go nuts?
Go nuts when nobody wants to talk to you.

Just because of the rumours.

And there's once, during Drawing III.

I was shading my stickman in class and I got really bored.
So I took out my iPhone and started to view photos from Instagram.
Guess what... Seongyu's beside me and he splurted out those words I'm so sensitive of!
In that class were nobody else except people like Shi Kia, Peng Jiet and Jiaki.

Seong Yu. He fucking said, "Hey, you kap lui or what?"
I was like... FUCK man, why do you always have to say the wrong thing

 at the wrong time! in front of the wrong people!

It's not that I hate Seong Yu or what.
Yes, he is my friend and he could be a great company.

But! His mouth. OH-MY-GOD. He ALWAYS says the wrong thing!

In front of Jia Ki, he would sometimes said to me, 

"Why don't you ask Peng Jiet? Everyone are FRIENDS" then gave me a sly smile.

And I always felt like punching him because I really had enough of them both.

They are OUT OF MY LIFE. And I wouldn't want them to come back and mess it up again.

I don't wanna created more problems for myself as that Lim Jia Ki is such a paranoid.

She thinks of things far beyond reality.

All I want is just to be accepted, and I could be really really nice.

I'm growing up with time, I face a lot of pressure from the public.

 I see all sorts of people. Different people, they give me different feelings.

And deep inside, I know I can trust nobody no matter how nice that person is.

That's also part of the reason why I feel horrible, I've nobody to talk to.

People around wouldn't understand the situation I'm going through.

How can I expect people to talk to me about things they don't know?

And then I started thinking about the future.

I thought about mom and dad.

I thought about everything.

A change would definitely swipe away part of myself.

And it is hard and it would hurt. Baby, I know that it would hurt.

But I really can't take the pressure. I have to... let go of it.

Week 5

MONDAY

Shampoo-ed my baby onion at the Car Wash after class.
I have one hour before meeting up with Eunice and Yeou Ching.

We had steamboat dinner at Lolipot.

Food was awesomez.

The buds and the blogger.

TUESDAY

Had lunch with Jason at Santorini. 

Another cafe located at the Georgetown area near to college.

I didn't know the existence of the restaurant till Jiong blogged about it.

So since we both have yet tried the food there, why not?

Spaghetti with Napoletana sauce

Spaghetti Bolognese

Dessert

Iced Latte or Mocha

Blue Curacao Mocktail

WEDNESDAY

Three of us fell sick.
But couldn't find a place to lunch at.
So we decided to 以毒攻毒, eat stuffs that we weren't supposed to.

Yik Ting's Tomyam Noodles

Rice with Fish fillets, Sweet and Sour Sauce

During the Raya Holidays...

Went to Sakae Sushi on a Wednesday afternoon.

Little Keith brought me there because I was constantly craving for japanese food.

Almost all shops are closed because it was Hari Raya. 

:'(

Isn't this cute?

Went to try James Foo Western Food with Little Keith again.

The price was relatively low for a western cuisine, but the food was just OK.

Chicken Cordon Bleu

Fish with BBQ sauce

Roselle Juice

And lastly, dinner at Dragon-i before watching THE SMURFS!
Also with little Keith.

I think I just handsomized this guy... by a bit!

FRESH Fruit Tea Experts

Art History lesson ended early today, 11 a.m.
Only 6 from my class turned up, while the the CS3A's were fully present.

See the difference?

o.O

Lunch is always gonna be...

Char Koay Teow, Western Food, Economy Rice and nothing else.

We have been eating that for more than a year now, and it's getting yucky.

So... I decided to go to somewhere else to try out new food.

"FRESH, maybe? Could we try that?" I asked Yik Ting.

She said okay and immediately, we went.

Jason came along with us too.
:D

Okonomiyaki

Pink Grape Fruit, Black Current and Passion Fruit

Niceeeeee.
I really love first tries.
And this was one of them.
:)

Yay. 

It's Sunday again.

I had lunch with Keith right after visiting Little Penang.

We went to Salsas yoooo! And I'll come back here again for sure.

The set lunch's price is reaaaaaally reasonable.
Price range: RM13.50, RM15.50, RM18.50

Woohoo!

Went to Gurney to watch Final Destination 5 after that.
And then it rained. So cold that I wanted to eat something hot, for dinner.

On the way to La Mei Zi restaurant...

Yeah yeah, it was my first visit to the Nagore Road branch.

There were lotsa restaurants around here too, I'd probably come try out for lunch next time.

Tomyam soup and Chicken Soup.

and...
ITADAKIMASU!

Week 3

The story goes on...

On Friday, there was no class.

It was the Equatorian's Holiday.

Everyone was invited to the graduation showcase's opening at Straits Quay!

We had breakfast at Pappa Rich with the CS3A's.

Zeon and I had the same plate of fried rice.

And I couldn't help but say "有得吃，好幸福哦."

Click click.

Raymond refused to take pics with me in the car.

Pttf.

After the Showcase, had a short meetup with (^^^)

We sat in Dome, played pig shot and I ate my favourite Spicy olio pasta.

The worst I've ever had so far. Screw Straits Quay's Dome.

The veggies were all in such big pieces.

And when I got home...

I was surprised to find a Lexus RX 450 in the house.

A brand new one with the lucky number 68.

OMG. My uncle came all the way from Perlis. 

And he sold of his Sorento.

O.O

Then, it was Saturday.

I had a badminton date with my classmates in the morning.

Some of their roomates at Burmahtel joined us too.

Raymond really got on my nerves.

Felt like stabbing him over and over. Muahaha.

When I reached at 10am, he was still asleep.

I actually texted him on 8am saying, "Wake up or else you die."

But I guess he didn't see it. We even let him lajak-ed till 10.30am.

He eventually got up and changed, but he never brushed his teeth. Omfg so disgusting.

Then we headed out to CRC only to find out that all courts were full till 1pm.

So I drove them to BeeHooi cafe, where we all had breakfast. 

And that guy that got on my nerves ate some kinda weird breakfast.

* look at the picture above*

Ya.. exactly, he had Loh Nui.

The clock struck half past two after the badminton session ended.
All I had on me was only RM3.70, but a bowl of Ais Buah is worth to spend off everything right?
Leaving me with RM0.20
XD