I'm sitting down in the bedroom we previously slept on errrrday the month before, which is freezing whenever the weather turns cold. Don't have a word to describe what exactly feeling right now, it feels like shit alright, there's nobody that I can talk to. Well, maybe I do, but how could I make them understand when they're not here experiencing what I'm experiencing? Yes, ungrateful bitch. I seriously have no idea what am I doing right now in UTAS, seriously have no idea what I am doing here in Tasmania. It's like I'm lost, I have no idea what the lecturers are talking about in class while the rest seems to understand perfectly or even if they do not, at least they understand after it's being repeated like 2 or 3 times. Not only I lost motivation, I lost my passion. Don't know what am I doing on Earth and all I am thinking about is to end this torture by graduating. And what after that? DO I HAVE TALENT OR I DO NOT? Yesterday I cried myself to sleep thinking how Malaysia sucks and how horrible the education system is and look at the fucking currency right now. RM1 equals to 880 baht. Fuck it, MYR used to be higher than Thai Baht. What the hell happened? I miss home so much. I miss all my friends and family back there. My room. The food back there in Penang and the hot weather. I still hate the cold weather here, it turns my freaking skin dry and all sorts of black heads pop up on my face. I basically look like shit here, not having much time to actually LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I PUT ON WEIGHT, like freaking fast. I didn't even take carbs. Everyone here is so... selfish. Or say, individualistic. Friends, what's that over here? Can it be eaten? I do not even bother contacting anyone back home simply because nobody that I've known of would understand, and I hate letting people know that I am sad. The problem here is, I'm not only sad. I've plunge to my lowest, I've always had low confidence in myself and over here it is worst. It is worst and I don't know what am I doing. I tried solving problems, I tried. But I couldn't. And now I'm doing this as my last resort. BLOGGING. Spit whatever shit out that is right now inside me. If I don't perhaps I'll go insane or in need of psychological help after a feel months. I feel so out of place all the time, not happy. Just not happy here,
Bern pm me yesterday asking if I'm alright. Of course I am not.
I'm studying here using my parents' money and I'm lost not knowing what to do?
What the hell am I doing? Am I not suppose to know what steps should I take in life?
I'm 23, freaking 23. My friends could be back there in Penang, working after their degree life in a local office not pursuing anything in life. I do not want that. I have friends who have big dreams but are too afraid to achieve them, too often distracted by the on-going activities/entertainment around them, not saving money, not thinking about their future, and STILL going to Songkran Festival two days ago. I miss everyone of them so much, how warm they made me feel like I exist. Unlike here. What am I? I cannot feel my existence, I cannot feel there's a use or talent in me. I want to climb higher but now what? I felt as if I've fallen down a cliff, stuck on a tree waiting to die.
I cannot see my ability to design as a good designer. Coming to Tasmania makes me realise what Jon really meant while he was accessing my final presentation in Equator. He said, you sometimes overworked things, Mingli. You tend to photograph other people's design using your eyes and apply it on your designs. I believe you can be a good designer, if you genuinely design something from your within. I NEVER TOOK THAT SERIOUSLY. Until the day of the graduation exhibition, he approached me again, saying... The local would love this, but not me (indicating the whites). I've always struggled with conceptual ideas. What I'm struggling now is even worst. I cannot see anything ahead of me, and it's killing me inside. The guilt, the pressure, deadlines and an unsupporting boyfriend who thinks that all these is a joke and that I am not working hard enough on my work and my work is rubbish. Yes, I admit you are far better than me, way better than me, then why be with me? GO AWAY instead of pressing your finger against my wound.
I'm trying to be POSITIVE all the time, ditching all bad thoughts and the idea of crying to my mom asking her for help when I'm a kid. My parents spoilt me too much, always afraid that I might fall down and that I might hurt myself. Afraid that there is not enough funds, afraid of that, afraid of this. It makes me worry even more. Ricky have always told me that I'm an embedded diamond which is yet to be found, I might not want to believe what he said 100%, because I guess he never really meant it. But I want to shine one day, with my own achievements. But like Ricky said, with encouragements and opportunities it would help. But if all I wanted to hear is just lies to make me believe what I can do, I would rather not hear them at all.
Right now I could type a 2500 word blog post without even stopping for a moment to check if there is any spelling mistakes, or misuse of words. I've always wanted to do the best, but working hard isn't the way. Working smart is. That's what I see here. I see people with deep critical thinking, expressing ideas with confidence, plus, time efficiency. It's not like I want to be like them 100%, but I'm hoping that I could be more productive, work things faster and come out with some brilliant ideas. All these months here, I just... couldn't. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I couldn't cope with the culture, yet I don't want to go back home. I don't know what to do and it seems as if nobody could understand. Who can I talk to?
All I do is stressing up myself, crying and running away when there are problems. And when I'm done crying, I try solving the puzzle only to find that there are a few pieces missing. I cannot drag this any longer or else I'm really going to go crazy or insane someday, like imba and in need of medicinal intake to balance my emotions. I'm suffering, from the inside. Just not happy, not happy here but trying very hard to.
