I have always loved the views of Capers, the view of Kuala Lumpur's cityscape.
It was yesterday, as I was travelling from KLIA to KL Sentral that I have decided to blog again.
As I grew older, I noticed that blogging is a form to jot down my emotions.
Mostly the ones that have an emotional impact on my heart.
And when I am doing this, it sets me free.
I have found my release, Akmal. Not going to take drugs. or drink.
What I meant being stupid is coming up with excuses just to meet again.
Susah, memang susah tak dapat jumpa lagi selepas ini.
*Eve Ai's Forever Young playing in the background*
This is my first Ramadhan.
The reasons why I am learning how to fast is to learn about patience and acceptance.
But the main reason is also that I wanted to remember this beautiful bond for life.
Although it only lasted for a short while.
I am sorry I tried too hard at times. You always let me decide.
Now that I looked back, I took so much effort to make things happen.
I cared too much because I am too afraid to lose the bond.
Gengammanku terlalu kuat, it's probably the choking kind.
It's addictive.
It's taking a toll on my mental wellbeing.
Somehow after helping me get better, the effects reversed.
_____________________________________________________________________________
- September 2017 -
I was showering Apple after my riding lesson at HVRA's shower bay.
"Lebatnya bulu kuda ni", I thought. Her coat's 2 inches long.
No wonder Naim stayed up all night to do the clipping.
As I was done soaping her body, her hoofs are all muddy.
I bent down and brushed them off with my bare hands as I couldn't find a hoof pick.
Not too far away from the bay, this groomer has seen it all and was smirking.
It was his first week in HVRA. He laughed, handed me a hoof pick.
And taught me how to lift Apple's hooves.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Syafiq, this is my first week in Horse Valley" He answered.
"Syafiq, this is my first week in Horse Valley" He answered.
He said he used to work in Riders Lodge and is on a short break.
His was wearing a black polo tee with two bright red stripes on each shoulder.
On his right sleeve, it says "Malaysian Institute of Aviation Technology"
"Is this what you were studying? Aerospace-related stuff?"
"Yes, been trying to secure a job for a while now. It's been almost a year."
"When did you start riding?" he asked.
"March, all along over here in Horse Valley"
"Oh, I started in January."
"Could you canter? I'm still trying, haha"
"Could you canter? I'm still trying, haha"
"Yes. Now I'm learning how to jump. I had a really bad fall last week."
I stopped riding at Horse Valley close to a month after.
I visited Cambodia and Hatyai, attended two weddings back home. Yuwen's and Aileen's.
Not much thought was given as I am always a nobody in the stables, aku pendiam.
But despite all the odds, you greeted me like a friend.
I felt seen and opened up despite our differences.
You shared stories - of your family, interviews and job hunt, of horses, of marriage (arranged), of religion and cultural differences. I came to know that you are of mixed parentage - that your mom is a Singaporean Malay; that she drives to work every morning at 5am. and your dad, an Indian (that probably does not look like one). I came to know a little more about Horse Valley - that Chuan, Rasywan and Zahari are the stable bosses. That aside from Horse Valley, UTM and Riders Lodge tak begitu best untuk riding. And that I have chosen the right stable. That Izyan's Bagheera is owned by some sugar daddy uncle. That Xiu leases Hizum and Higirl. Kevin's feet. That Aly does not pay for Storm's medical fee - and he has a horrible skin condition (He still does now. Storm looks awful as compared to what I could remember), and that Storm kicks you in the chest. That Tushaani wanted to get a new horse from STC. And that Pikar gets 2k commission from the horses he managed to sell, and it is always better to get it from Rasywan.
I always enjoyed listening to the stories you told me.
Although I would love to stay back and chat a little longer. Work calls.
I'd always tell you "My grab ride's here! I guess I'll see you next Thursday? "
"I have to go to work around 11am later, bye!"
It all becomes a ritual.
I finally made a good friend at the stables.
My first true blue Johorean, bumiputra friend that I could actually talk to.
My first true blue Johorean, bumiputra friend that I could actually talk to.
Someone, I could feel comfortable talking to and the differences come second.
Until one day, you said you are worried about not securing your dream job.
Your friends either chose to sell parts or change their career paths.
That was when I decided to step in and tried to help.
Linked up some guys from Malindo and Airbus Singapore.
It was Chinese New Year, and I have a few airports to run about.
Johor's, Penang's and Langkawi's airports.
With your hardcopy CV in hand, I distributed them to the Engineers at the tarmac.
I have always believed that if we want something bad enough, opportunities will open up.
Both of us have always thought you would land a job Airasia as an engineer.
29/01/2018
We were both in the stables when Higirl collapsed and passed away due to Colic.
It was really sad, and her passing affects me the entire day.
I told myself that I would not come to getting myself a horse to prevent heartbreak.
06/03/2018
Felt something different after my riding lesson.
I don't know why and what it is, but I think I really like your personality.
I told myself that I would not come to getting myself a horse to prevent heartbreak.
06/03/2018
Felt something different after my riding lesson.
I don't know why and what it is, but I think I really like your personality.
07/03/2018
Weird questions were asked. You asked if I believe in karma.
"I takut bila tidur dengan perempuan" "What?!"
You asked me if it is wrong.
You said your friends around you encouraged you to do so despite all the odds.
Religion aside, there is no wrong or right in my culture. Especially for a guy.
Everyone makes mistakes, I said. And yes, guys have needs.
Till today I have no answers to why they were asked.
Perhaps they are red flags asking me to stay away, but I kept my mind open (as usual)
and gave second chances. I ignored my brother's advice, my best pals' advice.
Perhaps it is the stupidest thing I have ever done. Perhaps it is a test or a trap.
I was raging because I felt disrespected. Now I felt so stupid as I am typing this.
You attended a few interviews.
And was pretty down when Malindo only raised 2 questions for you during the process.
I thought you'd never get the job, rolled my eyes cos you were paranoid. Padan muka anyways.
21/03/19
Not having to see you for 2 weeks, I went to the stables as usual for morning lessons.
You were late that morning, as I was on my GRAB, I saw this black Estima speeding from nowhere to Horse Valley. The car number plate says "Putrajaya".
When I entered the stall, I nampak you pakai je slippers, muka baru bangun.
It was 7.30am, and I knew you were late.
Yus was tacking up my horse, and he asked you over.
You told me you were really angry with him.
Terbakar cos I am actually walking over to get Legend.
It was really awkward after the conversation we had, but I acted cool.
Said hi and rode with Legend and Pikar. We had a short chat after my lesson.
You said you'll be quitting next Thursday as the team will be going for an Endurance Riding retreat in Terengganu. And I thought that's it. Better get a job quickly and I won't see this guy again.
All of it went away in the afternoon.
I was in my office's toilet, pooping. And I got a text from you that you were hired by Malindo.
Your first day will be on 01/04/2019, in KLIA.
My heart was bursting with joy. Finally!
29/03/2019
I decided to keep my promise - a dinner treat to celebrate.
And despite falling off from my e-scooter over the weekend, we still went for dinner at Danga Bay.
You told me Yus' nail came off because Speedy stepped on his foot. Yikes.
It was really comfortable talking to you.
I was really disappointed when my husband was furious about the dinner thing.
But I guess it is mostly my fault for initiating this.
There were no ill-intentions. I just wanted to say goodbye.
We kept in touch after you left - through texts, calls.
You were adapting to life back in Sepang, and me on the other hand, I have marital issues.
And I was in need of someone to keep my company, to talk to.
I have, in fact, been fighting with Mason non-stop. And with my mom too over the marriage.
Talking to you calms me down. It feels so wrong, but yet so right?
14/4/2019
Makan at Saga. Strolls by the harbour and long talks by the reflective pond.
I was very quiet at first, most likely because of I rasa serba salah.
But fuck it, did it anyway. I was depressed.
Chuan knows, because you asked her.
"Are you having an affair? What are your intentions", she asked.
"Takut tak kalau suatu hari kita tidak bercakap lagi?"
and if there are mutual feelings of more than just friends.
"Kenapa Tuhan ni kejam sangat, is this a test and why us?"
I diam je. Deep down I knew the answer - but I know my grounds.
Maybe it is better to cut off connections completely at this time.
Unfollow each other on Instagram, Facebook and delete off phone numbers.
Now that I recalled, I was the one the refused to. It felt as if it's a loss at the time and it was so hard.
I thought we would never talk to each other again; I could not sleep properly, and I cried.
So yes, it is on me for not letting go. Because I felt that this is unfair.
On Monday night around 10pm after work, I received a missed call from you.
My heart raged but softened after a while. I decided to give it another go.
I believe that there is a solution out for everything, that we can be friends if we set boundaries.
I was relieved that we could still keep in touch - as long as I asked for permission.
Whatever decision, you will always leave it to me.
I was overconfident, thinking I could handle this emotionally much better than you do.
"It will get harder and harder. Especially on 24th 25th and 26th"
"Let it go ", I told you. " Embrace and live the present. There is nothing to lose."
"Okay, let's leave it in god's hands"
Little did I know this would be a huge slap on my face a month after.
Shayne Ward's "Breathless" and "No Promises"
"Jangan lupa dengan aku tau?" you said before hanging up.
28/4/19
You came back to Johor Bahru to visit your family.
It is the end of your training in PJ and day/night shifts will commence real soon.
We have always talked about going for trail rides at Riders Lodge and Benua.
And I thought that we could try Amigos since there are 15% off at the time - a week before Ramadan.
The stables look nothing like the photos on Mos' Instagram, at all.
Our horses were Bark and Jango. You called her Serena 2 because of her attitude.
Views were great, I finally get to canter for the first time in open fields.
Shame that Mos' horses weren't well taken care of, it is sad and I felt really bad.
Bark was limping and Jango had kissing spine :(
I was presented with a song during brunch - Rindu Dalam Benci and its last sentence was quite on point.
" Ku masih berbayang-bayang
Lepaskan saja usah dikenang
Tak usah melayan rindu
Kerana kita milik orang..."
But I was in self-deception denial, thinking that things would eventually work out.
A week later, a night before Ramadhan.
It was just too much to handle, I broke down in public while queuing up back home.
My marriage seems to be falling apart, and I felt that there is no more time and I had to do this.
I am no longer in my sound mind, sat at Starbucks sipping Java Chips and waited for time to pass.
When time's up, aku tak bisa lagi menahan diri.
Ku pelukkan je dengan erat dan kuat tanpa rasa takut dengan penilaian orang lain.
Like it is the last time (and it is); I have no regrets and it was a relieve.
Days after that was alright. Mon, Tues, Wed and Thurs - we talked.
I was surprisingly calm, and happy (and still in self-deception).
But after the weekend, and the following weeks it was peculiar.
It felt distant, like a ticking time bomb.
On Thursday I woke up feeling disgusted with myself, wanting to call off the wedding.
Aku pendam je masalah aku bila berbual dengan kamu.
Days went by, reality hits, and you were right.
"the things we do for love..." - Games of Thrones
21/5/19
Our last heart to heart talk.
I was in turbulence and tides, you listened as rivers streamed out of me.
Bukannya salahku atau salahmu, hanya saja kita tidak ditakdirkan bersama.
Mom always says "Biar sakit dulu, senang nanti."
"Saya sayang padamu, Mingli. Is it wrong to say this?"
"Every day as I pray, I pray that you'll be happy in your marriage and move on from this."
"You will be fine, and I will be too."
Semoga berbahagia di manapun kau berada.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
Jodoh tak ke mana.
22/5/19
30mins call before Iftar.
I had cucumber slices on my eyes.
We briefly talked about what we wanted to eat after berbuka.
And I had to work on the National Gallery Tender Slides; I did not manage to call that night
23/5/19
I waited, and waited.
At 1am I just wanted to give up and go to bed. Our call only lasted for 10 minutes.
I marah sebab you tak serius langsung, main-main. Izyan, Izyan.
Always Izyan and it's always about needs.
26/5/19
The feelings were overwhelming.
I had mixed feelings throughout the day. Negative thoughts.
Everything just felt as if it is a mistake. I decided to give you a call as you were driving back to Sepang at night. The reception was not good, at all. On and off, on and off.
You told me that you went to visit Koko at night and it was so dark.
The groomers went off for dinner and you had to climb the fences to open the gates.
And out of nowhere, there were 2 dogs and were afraid that it is Cookie and she will attack. lol.
Turns out its Hushy and the little one. Your plan to start riding again after Raya, most likely in Putrajaya Equestrian Park.
I told you that we might not be able to meet again, as planned.
And you seemed so relaxed (almost relieved) as I told you that it is time to cut off, completely.
"See I told you so, that it will get harder and harder on your side on the 24th, 25th and 26th"
Your predictions were right, it was so hard for me. So hard.
I was partly disappointed with you too. Memang tak serius langsung. Izyan again.
And this time, telling me that you are okay to bang her if she's okay with it.
I surrendered.
27/5/19
This is it, I thought. This is it.
I spent one whole day thinking and thinking.
Zengni gave me hugs, and for the first time, I actually wanted her hugs.
Cos it made me feel better. So much better to have someone to hold on to.
And it was so tiring, to just think! I went to bed at 10.30pm, relieved to have some me-time.
We will not meet again, I thought. This is it.
When I randomly woke up at 4am, I saw a text on my phone "I sleep first." - 11.30pm
What the hell, Syafiq. Why, when I have already made up my mind.
I did not text back.
Fast-forward a month later at KLIA, with my feelings all tidied up.
We met, for the first time after so long. No awkward silences. Just long pauses.
It was a relieve to see you, and I am always happy when I keep my promises.
I don't think you feel the same; might just want to get it done and dusted.
We shared a slice of red velvet at the Departure Hall, told each other our plans.
I told you that I will be okay, and in fact, I am not even lying.
Around 8.45pm you said that it is time to go.
I died a little inside.
Drama time.
I decided to take the KLIA Ekspress to buy time.
The ticket was RM55, damn it for another 36 minutes with you.
We sat side by side, and I just stared blankly at the tiles on the floor.
This is probably my first and last time taking the KLIA Ekspres, I thought.
No further questions, as I know that this is it. This is the last time I will ever see you again.
My train will be on the left. And yours on the right.
We will part in different ways within minutes, never to speak or see each other again.
I weakly asked, "Do you think, we would still talk again after this?"
"in short sentences, with limitations, like Selamat Hari Raya"
"You said no,
"We tried that, remember? and you know it does not work out.
I guess Selamat Hari Raya has to be like now."
"Okay, Selamat Hari Raya Syafiq"
"Chill la, Mingli. Like I said, jodoh tak ke mana. You know where to find me.
At the airport for sure, and maybe at the stables. Take care of Koko. I need to reset after this.
Maybe taking up a part time job, or a degree. Tengoklah nanti"
"Me too, we both have to."
"Don't think too much."
"No, I am not. It's not the end of the world."
"Maybe it is? The elephants are extinct, Tigers, Rhinos..."
"Can I hug you?" I asked.
"Sure, why ask? Can I hold you hand?"
I hugged him, tightly. Brushed across his hair. Kasar, checked.
"I am in Malindo's T shirt lah"
"Do you think the guy next to us is secretly listening to what we say?"
"Mana tau later he's someone that knows you"
He picked up my left hand, and uttered the same word.
"Jodoh tak ke mana, Mingli. Just let it go and be happy."
"My train is here."
"I'll try"
"What? You wanna cry?"
"No, I meant I will try"
"Cry la if it'll make you feel better. Don't hold it.
If it's meant to be it will be Mingli, we will see each other again someday"
" I know, here's what I came across yesterday. If it is meant to be, it will be effortless.
Our last heart to heart talk.
I was in turbulence and tides, you listened as rivers streamed out of me.
Bukannya salahku atau salahmu, hanya saja kita tidak ditakdirkan bersama.
Mom always says "Biar sakit dulu, senang nanti."
"Saya sayang padamu, Mingli. Is it wrong to say this?"
"Every day as I pray, I pray that you'll be happy in your marriage and move on from this."
"You will be fine, and I will be too."
Semoga berbahagia di manapun kau berada.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
Jodoh tak ke mana.
22/5/19
30mins call before Iftar.
I had cucumber slices on my eyes.
We briefly talked about what we wanted to eat after berbuka.
And I had to work on the National Gallery Tender Slides; I did not manage to call that night
23/5/19
I waited, and waited.
At 1am I just wanted to give up and go to bed. Our call only lasted for 10 minutes.
I marah sebab you tak serius langsung, main-main. Izyan, Izyan.
Always Izyan and it's always about needs.
26/5/19
The feelings were overwhelming.
I had mixed feelings throughout the day. Negative thoughts.
Everything just felt as if it is a mistake. I decided to give you a call as you were driving back to Sepang at night. The reception was not good, at all. On and off, on and off.
You told me that you went to visit Koko at night and it was so dark.
The groomers went off for dinner and you had to climb the fences to open the gates.
And out of nowhere, there were 2 dogs and were afraid that it is Cookie and she will attack. lol.
Turns out its Hushy and the little one. Your plan to start riding again after Raya, most likely in Putrajaya Equestrian Park.
I told you that we might not be able to meet again, as planned.
And you seemed so relaxed (almost relieved) as I told you that it is time to cut off, completely.
"See I told you so, that it will get harder and harder on your side on the 24th, 25th and 26th"
Your predictions were right, it was so hard for me. So hard.
I was partly disappointed with you too. Memang tak serius langsung. Izyan again.
And this time, telling me that you are okay to bang her if she's okay with it.
I surrendered.
27/5/19
This is it, I thought. This is it.
I spent one whole day thinking and thinking.
Zengni gave me hugs, and for the first time, I actually wanted her hugs.
Cos it made me feel better. So much better to have someone to hold on to.
And it was so tiring, to just think! I went to bed at 10.30pm, relieved to have some me-time.
We will not meet again, I thought. This is it.
When I randomly woke up at 4am, I saw a text on my phone "I sleep first." - 11.30pm
What the hell, Syafiq. Why, when I have already made up my mind.
I did not text back.
Fast-forward a month later at KLIA, with my feelings all tidied up.
We met, for the first time after so long. No awkward silences. Just long pauses.
It was a relieve to see you, and I am always happy when I keep my promises.
I don't think you feel the same; might just want to get it done and dusted.
We shared a slice of red velvet at the Departure Hall, told each other our plans.
I told you that I will be okay, and in fact, I am not even lying.
Around 8.45pm you said that it is time to go.
I died a little inside.
Drama time.
I decided to take the KLIA Ekspress to buy time.
The ticket was RM55, damn it for another 36 minutes with you.
We sat side by side, and I just stared blankly at the tiles on the floor.
This is probably my first and last time taking the KLIA Ekspres, I thought.
No further questions, as I know that this is it. This is the last time I will ever see you again.
My train will be on the left. And yours on the right.
We will part in different ways within minutes, never to speak or see each other again.
I weakly asked, "Do you think, we would still talk again after this?"
"in short sentences, with limitations, like Selamat Hari Raya"
"You said no,
"We tried that, remember? and you know it does not work out.
I guess Selamat Hari Raya has to be like now."
"Okay, Selamat Hari Raya Syafiq"
"Chill la, Mingli. Like I said, jodoh tak ke mana. You know where to find me.
At the airport for sure, and maybe at the stables. Take care of Koko. I need to reset after this.
Maybe taking up a part time job, or a degree. Tengoklah nanti"
"Me too, we both have to."
"Don't think too much."
"No, I am not. It's not the end of the world."
"Maybe it is? The elephants are extinct, Tigers, Rhinos..."
"Can I hug you?" I asked.
"Sure, why ask? Can I hold you hand?"
I hugged him, tightly. Brushed across his hair. Kasar, checked.
"I am in Malindo's T shirt lah"
"Do you think the guy next to us is secretly listening to what we say?"
"Mana tau later he's someone that knows you"
He picked up my left hand, and uttered the same word.
"Jodoh tak ke mana, Mingli. Just let it go and be happy."
"My train is here."
I hugged him again, this time tighter than the previous one. I didn't want to let it go.
There was only 1 minute left.
"I'll try"
"What? You wanna cry?"
"No, I meant I will try"
"Cry la if it'll make you feel better. Don't hold it.
If it's meant to be it will be Mingli, we will see each other again someday"
" I know, here's what I came across yesterday. If it is meant to be, it will be effortless.
Right now, it is not and I have to let go"
"I have to go, take care Mingli"
"Okay, take care."
I sat on the bench. Rooted.
Turned my head towards the back where he alighted the train to Salak Tinggi.
And waved goodbye to him one last time.
2 mins later.
My train arrived.
I boarded the train, never felt so relieved as ever and headed to KL Sentral.
"See you when I see you, Syafiq."
I nearly paid extra when I reached KL Sentral.
Karma bites, I guess. But I managed to find my ticket in my passport holder.
My first impulse was to text him, when it was deemed unnecessary.
"I lost my ticket!"
"Habis, kena bayar lebih"
Within a minute I found it "Found it, found it!"
"Hati hati balik"
"Okay"
"Remember this"
"Jodoh tak kemana"
"Gonna miss you Mingli"
"Always"
"And I'll miss you too" - 3.56am
Like Jiaki always said, I believed too easily.
You maybe a jerk that strung me along; I maybe the jerk leading you on.
This was never meant to happen at the first place.
There's a price to pay for all that has happened.
Look at the damage we have done.
I will definitely miss you, for sure.
All the best Syafiq Akmal. May god ease everything for us.
"I have to go, take care Mingli"
"Okay, take care."
I sat on the bench. Rooted.
Turned my head towards the back where he alighted the train to Salak Tinggi.
And waved goodbye to him one last time.
2 mins later.
My train arrived.
I boarded the train, never felt so relieved as ever and headed to KL Sentral.
"See you when I see you, Syafiq."
I nearly paid extra when I reached KL Sentral.
Karma bites, I guess. But I managed to find my ticket in my passport holder.
My first impulse was to text him, when it was deemed unnecessary.
"I lost my ticket!"
"Habis, kena bayar lebih"
Within a minute I found it "Found it, found it!"
"Hati hati balik"
"Okay"
"Remember this"
"Jodoh tak kemana"
"Gonna miss you Mingli"
"Always"
"And I'll miss you too" - 3.56am
Like Jiaki always said, I believed too easily.
You maybe a jerk that strung me along; I maybe the jerk leading you on.
This was never meant to happen at the first place.
There's a price to pay for all that has happened.
Look at the damage we have done.
I will definitely miss you, for sure.
All the best Syafiq Akmal. May god ease everything for us.
