Coward.

"I don't know how much longer can I hold so much disappointment.

Something I have never excelled in. Something that have let me down, over and over again.

Only god knows how grateful I am with what I am showered with. 

But there's this one thing that doesn't make sense.
And that I really don't understand.

I really don't."

I am a coward.
Posting what's above in Bread and Butter, everyone can see it.
And I can't bare what damage it is going to cost me, maybe typing here is way easier.

I actually cried on my way home today.
Not because he didn't want to talk to me still.
Not because I miss him but it reminds me of what a failure I am to have the history repeat again.
Yes or no? Is it just me or what?

Something wrong with me?
I don't get it and I have been searching for answers all the time.
Or is it that he isn't the guy for me? Or what? I need someone to give me an answer.
No point typing here so fast.

My head is about to explode with all the questions inside.
Did I just get played again? Or, if he's just not that into you?
Boy, I don't know what to do. I swear, I have been trying.

I am SUCH AN IDIOT. FUCK.
I CANNOT STAND THE TORTURE.

143

Things are better with babe, so far.
At least after a month, and two weeks short of topics to talk about.
Keeping ourselves awkwardly quiet during meal times.
I almost... gave up.

But here we are.
Still best friends and lovers.
Though he popped cherry two days ago, I think. (1/7)
He was really gentle. Asked me to hug him as he was about to enter.
And it didn't hurt that bad like what I've expected.
Yes it still hurts, but bearable.

Everything just happened naturally.
Me and him.

In doubt

I saw the texts.
I froze.

It was written on 5th or 6th June.

Vexed. Annoyed. Frustrated

Couldn't blog without sleeping.
I feel disastrous since last night, because of Sean.
Not because that he did anything wrong, but I just felt as if both of us are aliens from 2 different planets.
It's been almost like 3 months now, and yeah. Shit happens after 3 months, and now..
I could TOTALLY see what person he's like.

Yik Ting's right.
It's better to KNOW someone first before GETTING TOGETHER with them.
Now I totally know why she said that to me like a million times. Because damn, she's right.

The first thing is.
OUR INTERESTS.
Talking bout interests, that includes the way we dress.
He's colourful, I'm a Black and White person.
We couldn't really accept our thinking on each other's clothing.
Like seriously. And he said that I'm an AUNTY. wtf?!

THE WAY HE TALKS
It's like so damn straight sometimes.
It offends me. Unnecessarily.
You don't tell a girl you like that she looks like a witch.
Or that her life's boring, that she has no friends, that she's dull!

INSENSITIVITY
Oh yesssss, guys are insensitive.
Absolutely, but is he dumb shit or what.
No texts for half a day? One text takes you 10 mins to reply?
And tell you he doesn't like to text?
Going vacation or deciding certain things without notifying you?
Forgetting about a movie date that you promised to go with your dream girl?
HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
I want to be that girl that my BOYFRIEND would actually be proud of showing everyone else around him.
AND HE HAS NO BALLS, LIKE TOTALLY. WE JUST ACT AS IF WE ARE STRANGERS!
AND HE'S NOT THERE WHEN I REALLY NEED HIM.
ALL HE DOES IS SLEEP. SLEEP. CONTINUE SLEEPING AFTER THAT.
DAFUQ.

KIAM SIAP-NESS
Yes, I know you're not like a rich kid.
But why is he ALWAYS acting as if I want to use his money.
I paid for Twelve Cups, I paid for all my Starbucks. Like wtf.
Why does he want to count everything so clearly in front of me and always tell me that he wants to save up.
I know right, save up. But you don't have to always mention in front of me like I want to use all of your money. Why separate the bills so clearly. WTF.


YOU DON'T FORCE A GIRL YOU LIKE TO ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE YOU WANT HER TO.
Which probably explains why 6/7 of his relationships failed? I guesssssss...
It doesn't work because of the above. A girl needs love and care.
Not someone who abandons her to be with his friends and fuck shit.

Okay, and the thing that I've been trying to get rid of my mind.
But I can't. I just can't.

I hate a guy who doesn't understand proper english.
You don't know what's BUFF? 24/7? Fuck off. Learn!
I still love guys who are 170cm and above. Who are not fat.
I'm not saying he's fat but still.. after all these shits, appearance matters to me again.

I don't know what to do.
I don't like him the way when I fall in love with my exes.
It feels GOD DAMN different. I feel NOTHING AT ALL.
And to make things worst right, I am desperate. I'm focusing on someone else.
It's turning me nuts because I hate smokers and drinkers, and I know it's impossible.

I just... wish there's this special someone for me to rely on after all these while.
It feels horrible to be alone sometimes. To feel lonely and alone.

Before I go to bed...

It's 4.14a.m. now.
And I'd blog something before lying on the bed.
Again, Yikting and I are triplets again, with Nick.
Our group are always within the number of 4.

Yuki, Beechin, Yikting and I.
Nickson, Yikting and I.
Nick, Yikting, Jiet and I.

Nick had been mentioning about my taohua, dinner time last night.
It happens that guys that seemed to show interest, isn't just a few.
But what I really wanted is just a good one rather than ten moderates.
Seriously, what's the point having lantaohua anyway?

10 more days.
10 more days and this is it.
365 days without you and Imma still rockin.
Goodbye Stanic Teoh, all memories deleted and erased.

Say HI to babo.

Nightmares

Another nightmare last night.
Doreen Yeap appeared in my dream, close up.
It hasn't occurred for a while until last night after viewing Stanic's Facebook Profile.
In the dream I was sitting beside mommy, in a cafe. For some reasons, I was holding to Doreen's jacket.
And there she stood, in a turquoise dinner gown, standing beside the door staring to no where.
Suddenly, she approached me and asked if I know who she is.
I acted as if I didn't, and as usual, pretended to be blur.

She did not gave up, sat beside me, and gave me that "I know that you know who am I" look.
I panicked, forgot the rest of the dream and woke up. Back in reality.

I wonder why she came back haunting me, even after so long.
She's married, or maybe, a bride to be. I don't know and do not want to know.

I'm just grateful that he left, now that I don't feel any pain at all.

Nightmare

It's 7.13pm and I have just woken up from a dream.
A nightmare, I have to say.

Probably because I read about that man-made "haunted house" in Japan right before I sleep.
They said it was so scary that nobody has ever finished the whole journey.
But anyway, what I dreamt happened outdoors.

I was dreaming about this weird place, I was having dinner at.
It is a dimmed-lit restaurant, doesn't seem like Malaysia to me.
For some reasons, I went in and out of the restaurant for a total of 5 or 6 times.
Surprisingly, the waiter did not get frustrated of me.

Suddenly, all the lights were off. It turned into a club/pub.
However, there was this huge window in front of us with strong lights shining in.
He invited me for dinner with his boss, a woman in her 40s, wicked smile.
We were served appetizers that are prepared right in front of us.
And I find it a abit funny because it has to be in Octopus shape.
(Vegetable arrangements)

And that person standing right next to me is my BFF, Yik Ting.
Once, we passed by a field full of animal bodies. The parts are shattered, blood everywhere.
There was this hand of a gorilla, ran over by trucks/cars, furless.
And a dog, stuck on the tree. Like 1 or 2 storeys high.
With its burning red paws trying to hold on to it.

It was such a nauseating scene.

And then, out of nowhere.

A Hyena appeared and came dashing towards us. 

We had to jump off an edge and hid in a drain, a deep one.

Our hands hung to support our bodies, but suddenly the drain changed into something else.

It changed into a building, where there is another person bathing and singing on the other side of the wall.

The wall we were clinging on to. And suddenly, our legs touched the ground, we were indoors.

I looked around, realized that we were in the laundry room because there are white cloths everywhere.

Then I saw daddy come in, asking for a hairdryer. To my horror, I immediately had this vision.

The hairdryer could be converted into a drill when taken off its casing.

For some reasons, daddy took it off the casing, forgot about it and started using it.

I wanted to cry because I just witness my dad killed himself in front of me.

But it was just a vision. Thank god daddy didn't die.

I woke up, shocked. Realised how bad things could happen in a split second.
Then, this thought came to me. I am 21 years old now, aging. This happens to daddy and mummy as well.

I can't imagine the day when we finally have to part in this world.

I wish, it didn't have to happen at all.

Mum and Dad.
I love you guys.

Stress

I had an awesome day-out with Sean yesterday.
He brought me to places that I wanted to go, sometimes he's such a darling.
But the guiltiness is there, I can't stop thinking about assignments.
It's pilling up, higher and higher, and I'm so worried that I couldn't finish them in time.

It's WEEK 3 already.
Why didn't I feel the PUSH yet?
Sigh

Go Mingli, GO GO GO!

Monday

Went out with Sean for dinner last night.
Dad was away, and mom doesn't wanna cook me dinner. Ugh.

We had this awesome Wan Tan Mee at Chulia Street.
Gosh, I've never liked Wan Tan Mee, but how come this one tastes so good?!

Things went pretty well, no more awkward silence/stares.
LOL, at least we have something to talk about right now, right?
He's not shy anymore, I'm no longer quiet.
Fair enough.

I think things are working out between us. As friends.
Let's see if I could make him, one of my BEST friends.

It felt great that I have stopped thinking about Stanic for a while.
I don't miss him anymore, but I still think about him sometimes.
His silhouette, his dark hair, brown eyes, angular face and smile.
Yes, maybe I miss his body but not his soul.
I hate it when someone lies to me
or want something from me.

And I'm feeling better today, now.
Going to college sounds dreadful to me.
Fakers everywhere, but still. I guess I'd just have to remain positive.
It's the last 5 months in Equator, make some friends perhaps?
Well, it's not like everyone hates me or what.

Yik Ting could be my friend.
Nick, SeongYu, Jiet and Nein, could be.
I'd just try and mingle around, like Zach says.
Maybe he's right at some point, I should do what I like and fuck the others.
And at least, stop being so EMOOOOOO and self concious.

You'll be fine, darling.
You'll be fine, don't worry.
:)

Losing my direction in life

It felt as if I don't know what to do anymore.
Here I am, sitting on my bed, typing.

I became lazy throughout the internship.
And now week one's over and I'm still in my holiday mood.
I'm sick. I don't feel like doing anything. My room is in a mess.

Visiting Novae kind of freaked me out.
And I wonder, if this career is what I've always wanted.

I have what people called the "Social Anxiety".
I have always tried to overcome this, but recently it just seem that I tried nothing at all.
I'm still that quiet Mingli, who doesn't want to approach people, who keep things to herself,
who rather express her feelings in words than talking/speaking it out.
What's happening to me, really?

Dub dub dub

You made my heartbeat again.
And I think I'm in love.

"S" or ASS?

My feelings are turning neural lately.
I'm talking about love chemistry, it's pH 7 right now.

I couldn't find time thinking about him at all.
It wasn't strange at all, I was expecting this to happen.
But why now, that familiar feeling I had, again...
I don't want to fall in love so quickly.
No! I don't wanna make a fool of myself.
Sigh.

Follow your subconcious, girl.

Carefree

Arrived early in the office this morning, Ms. Lim wasn't even here yet.

There's only two weeks left before internship ends, I have so much work to do.

Funny how I could still sit here and type crap.

I've been thinking a lot lately, browsing some of my previous blogs.

The way I write and describe things, it's way different.
I wasn't that self-conscious. Maybe I should practice that again.
No more low self-esteem, Ms. Chan. 

Brush up, yo.

The Vow

The thing is,
each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced,
with all the people we've ever known.

And its these moments that become our history.
Like our own personal greatest hits of memories that we play and replay in our minds over and over again.

Valentine's Day

Hi, baby.

It's Feb 14th, Happy Valentine's Day.

:)

Spent my night watching The Vow.
Remember? The movie you said you'd watched together with me.

We didn't make it though. No chance to see my tears. Boo!

Guess the seats in GSC were full back then.

Both of us went for something else instead.

Next Saturday would be the 9th month.

Being single could certainly be such torture sometimes.

Definitely, I'm not afraid to be in a long-distance relationship.

I'm more afraid of being with a man, who'd leave me for somebody else.

1. Somebody who's far better than me, in socializing? 

I kinda suck in that. Interacting and making new friends are hard to me.

I can't help it, I don't know why. Probably I'm over-self-conscious.

And this is bad.

2. Somebody who has the ability to make you happy and laugh all the time?

I made you angry whenever I'm clumsy. You never liked me like that.

And it's really sad and hurtful, because I'm trying my best to change that.

:(

3. Somebody who's pretty, sexy and would never fail to let you feel so turned on?

Well, I used to have pimples and acnes all over my face. Which, I still do now. But it's much better!

There's only scars left on my face. Bet it wouldn't be too disgusting to see.

No more frizzy hair. I've cut it short, it'd probably grow back to shoulder's length in a few months time.

I don't have huge boobies and I'm a virgin. Still.

I exercise more than I do in the past. I can do more than this.

I can learn how to dance, dress up, wear high heels, tong my hair and probably make up.

But would you still.. fall for me one more time?

Accepting that fact for who I really am?

Because... I still love you.

Everything about you.
Sigh.

Today

Haven't blogged here for quite a while.
I was busy with work, busy reading Fifty Shades Trilogy.

Busy doing anything simply to just not think about YOU, you know who you are.

 Spending time with my girls are the best times of my life.

I can like... totally be myself in front of em.

Seriously.

And they wouldn't judge me.

Sad thing is, I wish I didn't always have to be the lightbulb.

Though I'm perfectly fine and comfortable being one.

Had a real weird dream yesterday.

I dreamt of my college mates, HOW SURPRISING.

In my dream, I saw Yik Ting, Nick and Jiet. Probably.

And, we were in this elevator of EAA.

I don't remember how.

But I remembered Jiet giving me a long hug.

I don't know what that's for. It felt good though.

After all, it's been such a long time since someone hugged me like that.

And immediately, I knew it was a dream, but I didn't wanna wake up.

Yik Ting's standing beside me, shaking her head and I think she whispered something in my ear.

There was no sign of Jiaki. Jiet ignored Yik Ting completely.

I think we stayed like that for a while, I hugged him back and touch his neck. Wtf.

Then I caught him telling me something I find totally unacceptable.

Something like, "Give me another chance" sorta thing.

I shoved him aside after that.

Because deep inside I know I can't trust this guy.

And then, I just woke up. 

It was 7.35 a.m.

I know I'm probably crazy to even type this.
I have no feelings towards him anymore. It's been so long anyway.

But one thing that I didn't get it is, how come I dreamt of so much of other people around me.

Rather than the one whom I love the most? Why isn't it always you, but someone else?

I don't get it

Sigh

I didn't expect my mood to swing so much.
But you blew me off just with one Facebook Message.

"I just went to your house area."
So what, what the hell you want now?

心还是热的

I found myself waking up today morning with my arms wrapped arounfd hippo.
How unusual, lately I wake up like this almost every morning.

20. He starts to tease you more than normal

‘  This is similar to number 9, picking on your appearance. The reason he does this is the same reason you might get annoyed with a guy that kisses your ass too much. He has lost respect for you and he is picking on you to see if you will fight back. Cut to the chase, call him an asshole, and punch him in the nose. Surprisingly, you might just get him back after doing this ’

What I read last night made me tear.
25 Signs To Know For SURE He’s Not Into You!

I find myself so dumb, so foolish.
Should have known the signs rather than ignoring it.
Was too naive, too blind because I love you so much...