Fear

Forwarding me instagram posts.
Liked my strava posts.

All these are all too familiar, isn't it?
It's a way how a guy tests his waters.
Just like how Syafiq called me just to see if I'd pick up.
And Alexey liking my post on The Only Way is... Singapore.

Not because they genuinely care. But because they see you as an option.

I had a dreamt of Dima holding me tightly, seated on a communal table.
There were imageries of IG stories flashing past, and one of the few including Dima breakdancing and another was with a girl (with a tiny tag that says HANNAH).

Opposite us was Fai (wtf?) warning him that the tag might be overly visible.
And asking him to just take note and becareful.

I dont know what this dream means.
But I know that with my impression of Fai "cheating".
This cannot be good.

I woke up, receiving Damien's text.
I am afraid. I am afraid that if I open up and be vulnerable.
Things would go sour, I'd be attached and feel needy all over again.

Elena

Acceptance... 

I met Elena a month later, and she told me that Dima’s seeing a Japanese girl. Well, kinda expected isn’t it, my sixth sense never fails me. 

My heart is at ease this time. Numb. What’s new? Didn’t you already know girl? :)

I’m glad that all these time I’ve taken Joshua’s advice to prioritize people who I hold close to me - Jeff, Zach, Gil, Malan. Everyday I look at them and I asked myself what in the world I have done to have deserve such wonderful people in my life? Why would I put my energy to people who doesn’t deserve it? 

My prayers are answered.   

Sunday Journalling

Waking up today, I am felt generally neutral.

Dima's hybernating these two days.
In the past it would trigger me for not hearing from him at all.

I would be worried that he was seeing somebody else, that he doesn't care, 

that he would abandon me, that he is pulling away, that I come secondary. 

I felt like this because Alexey did that to me.
It was very confusing when someone came on strong and then left you hanging afterwards.

It was inconsistent, and I craved for his attention and love. 

This time I learnt to made peace with it.
Dima is not going anywhere, Mingli.
Accept and let go. 

It has became clearer to me that I value honesty and consistency more than anything else.

29 years of my life, and I learnt that nobody would replace the love mom and dad gave me.
And the love that my brother, Jeff demonstrates.
Love comes from actions, consistency, time.
And not words.

Love comes in sacrifice.
Mom and dad worked so hard, sent me off to piano lessons, art lesson, UTAS.

All which changed my life and made me who I am today.

Although there were flaws in our upbringing, which resulted in our lack of confidence and self-advocacy. 

I have came a long way to break away from being a timid, low confidence girl. Dad has always asked us to be contented with what we have and to never compare - in a way contradicting with the idea to dream big. We were taught to follow the path they have set up for us - to study hard and get good grades - to become doctors/teachers/pharmacists/air stewardess. To do good and to never fightback when your parents are mad. Parents are always right, because they are adults. And in turn of that, growing up I often felt misunderstood and unheard. I also have problems expressing my thoughts and how I felt. 

In school, Yanglaoshi would beat us up. There was no encouragement, just fear-based learning.

Mom on the other hand, was overprotective, she protected me all she could, spoon fed me. I grew up being very dependent on her, emotionally. Often lonely. Both mom and dad were so focused on career, teaching even on weekends, that we do not spend family time together. As a result, we grew up emotionally distant, I turn my connections to friends at school.

29 years. I do not blame them.
My family isn't dysfunctional either. 
I am glad that over the years mom has learnt to let go and is very receptive to learning.

Both my parents are very supportive, and I know that they love me (as best as they know).

I have also came to learn that, I have been rough to Jeff.
And I explained to him that at the time in Tassie, I was often angry and agitated.
Because I thought that is the only way of getting my point across. 
Over the years we have learnt to communicate better.
And without Mason, things are easier for us.

We bond better, and understand each other better.

He is there, always, for me. And he never judge me.

Not even when I do not come home, not even when I did the silliest mistakes.

I realized that, if there is someday I meet the love of my life, this is the quality that should not be compromised. Patience.

Then comes my best friend, Zach. Who I have known for 11 years.
Malan, who I have known less than a year. And Gil.

These people has supported me throughout the most difficult time of my life.
They are always present. And always there when I need them.
I realized that, this is truly what I need.

Quality time. Unconditional love.
And it takes time, it takes time to get to know someone.
And to grow with them. 

Love is not just about sex physical outlooks, education, financial abilities, compatibility and chemistry.
Love is so much more. I see two sides of things now, and I realize that there are so much more that I do not know and have yet to explore. 

I know for sure that I appreciate honesty, sense of humor, consistency, company, a growth mindset and that person being a source of inspiration to bring the best version out of me.

What would it be the next steps for me?
Career wise. Relationship wise.

Checking in :)

Lots has happened since I last checked in.

I got a new job!
Was super busy. But the first few months, I felt empowered to make my own decisions.
I feel seen and my voice is heard. Never once in my life I spoke with such confidence. 

It is a step up, a 20% increase in my paycheck.
But (there's always a but), I got impatient, felt that I deserved better and wanted the best of both worlds.

I miss my colleagues in Miaja. Something about the warmth that I really miss.
Ruth is right, Isabelle is indeed a breath of fresh air at times.
She is fun, inspiring, charming.

Toxic as it is, I'd admit that unlike my current employers - which I failed to get my inspirations from.. 
There will never be another boss like Isabelle Miaja.

Dating wise. It is frustrating than ever. 

I dated a few more European guys. These experiences taught me a lot, I realized more than ever that I must put myself first, love myself first before anyone else (because nobody else would except my closest friends and family). I realized that relationships can't be forced, and to really really go with no expectations at all. When boundaries are violated, say no. Prioritize.

Strangely, it is at times like this, when 70% of my focus is on work.
I reconnected with Dima. Our relationship is more confusing than ever.

He would call me and share his day. But rarely initiate to meet.
Even if we do, he would pushed me away at the end of the day like Alexey does.

I also see another side of him (perhaps because he's on the spectrum) that made him very beautiful.
He plays the piano for me and held me just like Alexey does. Gentle. Emotionally connected.
It made me questioned my thinking and the more I do the more attached I got to him.
I do not know if he feels the same.

Eventually we stopped talking again. Third time now.
This on and off scenario kinda puts me off (it reminds me of my old toxic college relationships - but without arguments, without knowing what went wrong). I was triggered in all ways. Scared.
And I looked for Joshua on a late night in HEI.

About a month later, we reconnected after bumping into each other at Tanjong Pagar MRT station.
As usual, Dima would ask me if I'd like to grab coffee. I said turned down his offer - knowing what it would potentially lead to. And it would make me upset. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it on the cruise though - whether or not to cut this person off my life. Somehow I just couldn't, because he's so different. And it's definitely not because that I am addicted to him or couldn't live without him. Part of me hopes that things would work out with him; the other half (the rationale mind) told myself to stop daydreaming. 

I care for Dima, but he sometimes doesn't get me. And couldn't handle my emotional needs.
He needs to be free and couldn't tied down. That itself is enough to trigger me as it means that he wouldn't be available for me when I need company. Call it selfish - it's just who he is and I have to accept him for who he is. 

Would it be better off to cut him off? Or would it be better to keep him in my life.
Staring at  the blue ocean, I came to realize actually felt happier with him around.
It is challenging, but perhaps I shouldn't overstep my boundaries.

It is an opportunity for me to give it another go, and love him in a different way.
Without fear, without expectations. And at the same time, put myself above everything.
Can  I do it? I don't know. But once that decision was made, I felt librated.

I have finally found a solution for myself.
Because I know that he could hold me like no one else does.

He would listen to me in the form of phone calls. He's genuine. 
The only thing he couldn't do - is committing himself to me.