Checking in :)

Lots has happened since I last checked in.

I got a new job!
Was super busy. But the first few months, I felt empowered to make my own decisions.
I feel seen and my voice is heard. Never once in my life I spoke with such confidence. 

It is a step up, a 20% increase in my paycheck.
But (there's always a but), I got impatient, felt that I deserved better and wanted the best of both worlds.

I miss my colleagues in Miaja. Something about the warmth that I really miss.
Ruth is right, Isabelle is indeed a breath of fresh air at times.
She is fun, inspiring, charming.

Toxic as it is, I'd admit that unlike my current employers - which I failed to get my inspirations from.. 
There will never be another boss like Isabelle Miaja.

Dating wise. It is frustrating than ever. 

I dated a few more European guys. These experiences taught me a lot, I realized more than ever that I must put myself first, love myself first before anyone else (because nobody else would except my closest friends and family). I realized that relationships can't be forced, and to really really go with no expectations at all. When boundaries are violated, say no. Prioritize.

Strangely, it is at times like this, when 70% of my focus is on work.
I reconnected with Dima. Our relationship is more confusing than ever.

He would call me and share his day. But rarely initiate to meet.
Even if we do, he would pushed me away at the end of the day like Alexey does.

I also see another side of him (perhaps because he's on the spectrum) that made him very beautiful.
He plays the piano for me and held me just like Alexey does. Gentle. Emotionally connected.
It made me questioned my thinking and the more I do the more attached I got to him.
I do not know if he feels the same.

Eventually we stopped talking again. Third time now.
This on and off scenario kinda puts me off (it reminds me of my old toxic college relationships - but without arguments, without knowing what went wrong). I was triggered in all ways. Scared.
And I looked for Joshua on a late night in HEI.

About a month later, we reconnected after bumping into each other at Tanjong Pagar MRT station.
As usual, Dima would ask me if I'd like to grab coffee. I said turned down his offer - knowing what it would potentially lead to. And it would make me upset. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it on the cruise though - whether or not to cut this person off my life. Somehow I just couldn't, because he's so different. And it's definitely not because that I am addicted to him or couldn't live without him. Part of me hopes that things would work out with him; the other half (the rationale mind) told myself to stop daydreaming. 

I care for Dima, but he sometimes doesn't get me. And couldn't handle my emotional needs.
He needs to be free and couldn't tied down. That itself is enough to trigger me as it means that he wouldn't be available for me when I need company. Call it selfish - it's just who he is and I have to accept him for who he is. 

Would it be better off to cut him off? Or would it be better to keep him in my life.
Staring at  the blue ocean, I came to realize actually felt happier with him around.
It is challenging, but perhaps I shouldn't overstep my boundaries.

It is an opportunity for me to give it another go, and love him in a different way.
Without fear, without expectations. And at the same time, put myself above everything.
Can  I do it? I don't know. But once that decision was made, I felt librated.

I have finally found a solution for myself.
Because I know that he could hold me like no one else does.

He would listen to me in the form of phone calls. He's genuine. 
The only thing he couldn't do - is committing himself to me.