Sunday Journalling

Waking up today, I am felt generally neutral.

Dima's hybernating these two days.
In the past it would trigger me for not hearing from him at all.

I would be worried that he was seeing somebody else, that he doesn't care, 

that he would abandon me, that he is pulling away, that I come secondary. 

I felt like this because Alexey did that to me.
It was very confusing when someone came on strong and then left you hanging afterwards.

It was inconsistent, and I craved for his attention and love. 

This time I learnt to made peace with it.
Dima is not going anywhere, Mingli.
Accept and let go. 

It has became clearer to me that I value honesty and consistency more than anything else.

29 years of my life, and I learnt that nobody would replace the love mom and dad gave me.
And the love that my brother, Jeff demonstrates.
Love comes from actions, consistency, time.
And not words.

Love comes in sacrifice.
Mom and dad worked so hard, sent me off to piano lessons, art lesson, UTAS.

All which changed my life and made me who I am today.

Although there were flaws in our upbringing, which resulted in our lack of confidence and self-advocacy. 

I have came a long way to break away from being a timid, low confidence girl. Dad has always asked us to be contented with what we have and to never compare - in a way contradicting with the idea to dream big. We were taught to follow the path they have set up for us - to study hard and get good grades - to become doctors/teachers/pharmacists/air stewardess. To do good and to never fightback when your parents are mad. Parents are always right, because they are adults. And in turn of that, growing up I often felt misunderstood and unheard. I also have problems expressing my thoughts and how I felt. 

In school, Yanglaoshi would beat us up. There was no encouragement, just fear-based learning.

Mom on the other hand, was overprotective, she protected me all she could, spoon fed me. I grew up being very dependent on her, emotionally. Often lonely. Both mom and dad were so focused on career, teaching even on weekends, that we do not spend family time together. As a result, we grew up emotionally distant, I turn my connections to friends at school.

29 years. I do not blame them.
My family isn't dysfunctional either. 
I am glad that over the years mom has learnt to let go and is very receptive to learning.

Both my parents are very supportive, and I know that they love me (as best as they know).

I have also came to learn that, I have been rough to Jeff.
And I explained to him that at the time in Tassie, I was often angry and agitated.
Because I thought that is the only way of getting my point across. 
Over the years we have learnt to communicate better.
And without Mason, things are easier for us.

We bond better, and understand each other better.

He is there, always, for me. And he never judge me.

Not even when I do not come home, not even when I did the silliest mistakes.

I realized that, if there is someday I meet the love of my life, this is the quality that should not be compromised. Patience.

Then comes my best friend, Zach. Who I have known for 11 years.
Malan, who I have known less than a year. And Gil.

These people has supported me throughout the most difficult time of my life.
They are always present. And always there when I need them.
I realized that, this is truly what I need.

Quality time. Unconditional love.
And it takes time, it takes time to get to know someone.
And to grow with them. 

Love is not just about sex physical outlooks, education, financial abilities, compatibility and chemistry.
Love is so much more. I see two sides of things now, and I realize that there are so much more that I do not know and have yet to explore. 

I know for sure that I appreciate honesty, sense of humor, consistency, company, a growth mindset and that person being a source of inspiration to bring the best version out of me.

What would it be the next steps for me?
Career wise. Relationship wise.